Position:Home>Poetry> Could you review this poem by me?
Question: Could you review this poem by me!?
its about a friend of mine who is intelligent but no common sense!.
The donkey upon thy hill
to here him shriek i began to fall ill,
then one day i went to the mill
seen the donkey and took a pill,
took a pill and slept for a while,
smelt a donkey from a mile,
with fierce spped he ran up the ile,
never got a chance to dial dial dial!.!.!.!.
he never washed with soap,
only smoked dope,
he had no hope,
i coudn't cope,
i called the pope
what would you rate it out of 10 in terms of language, imagery,aliteration,repetition etc all the factors a poem should have!.
thanks very muchWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
ok , now honestly , its like , a very different poem man
well done , i'd give u a 9 for the language and for imagery and 8 for the restWww@QuestionHome@Com
This is a fun poem!. I like it!. Technically, also, it works well!.
My only gripe would be that the ideas are a bit random!. It's like you used words just because they rhymed, rather than trying to evoke or say something!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
rating 8!.7/10
outstanding!!!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
It is difficult to pull off rhymed couplets!.!.!.yet you chose to do full, perfect rhymed quatrains!.!.!.the result is a little tiring on the ear and gives a comic effect!.!.!.which in this poem is okay!. Here's the thing with rhymed lines!.!.!.the rhyme needs to sound like it's almost accidental, or absolutely deliberate for effect!.!.!.the latter is a very slippery slope because the reader will assume the rhymes are contrived unless they too seem to fit exactly!.!.!.I'm not sure all your rhymes qualified!. Next, avoid anachronistic words like "thy" unless you're writing a period piece, which you were not!. also watch out for malapropisms like "here" when you really meant "hear"!.!.!.that's more than just a type (like "ile" vs "aisle")!. Next you need to watch your beats, especially in a poem like this!.!.!.a good example would be to take a look at the third stanza!.!.!."only smoked dope" has too few beats!.!.!.it should have been something like, "he only smoked his dope"!. Then there is the use of "i" instead of "I"!.!.!.unless there is a specific reason to use the lowercase "I", it's a misspelling of a one letter word!. Yes, some words and letters "need" to be in upper case and "I" is definately one of them!. Finally, there is the matter of consistancy!.!.!.your third stanza had too many lines!. Now, you could have combined the last two lines so they formed both an internal and external rhyme and balanced out the beats by writing it as, "I couldn't cope and called the pope" It's weak, but it isn't the only way to fix that last stanza!.!.!.you could drop one of the other lines just as easily!. As far as aliteration!.!.!.there isn't any in your poem!. If you said, "he never knew bar soap", that would be an aliteration (never knew), or "One day we went to the mill" (we went)!.
Still, the poem shows creativity and if you really wanted to work on it you could make it much, much better!.
edit, edit, edit!.!.!.and keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com