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Position:Home>Poetry> Another rondeau - No Longer Caged - will you read?Question: Another rondeau - No Longer Caged - will you read!? I think that it is time to fly,
no time for grief, I will not cry!. For life is out there, calling me, beyond the land, beyond the sea, and far beyond the blazing sky!. I will not ask the question why, because time always goes right by, so from my homeland I will flee!. It is time!. You can see within my eyes, the fear is there, I say good-bye, but my caged soul must know it's free, the words I write my gilded key, my fight for freedom draweth nigh!. It is time!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: I don't think that's your metier You do not stick to form!. You've got to find a better way The old should be your norm!. You do not stick to form You're better when you're free!. More clever, fun and warm Your words, they captured me!. The old should be your norm There's magic in your quill!. But really you have done no harm That's why I love you still!. [Please note: Somehow I put stanza 4 before 3!.] You've got to find a better way Write simply from the heart!. Don't let Evadne get away From your Muse, please never part!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Yes!. It's beautiful!. The reader is breathless while reading the poet's struggle to be free!. The Rondeau form lends itself to this type of low-key, but deep emotional expression!. The title is also very apt in relation to the poem's message!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Another good rondeau!.!.!.but this one needs more editing!. You've once again added an "s" to the end of the first line of the last stanza!.!.!.you need to either find a different word, or find a way to make "eyes" singular so it becomes "eye"!. The part that needs more editing is the "it is time" line!.!.!.the line should read (and could easily read): "I think that it is time", because that is the part lifted from the first part of the first line!.!.!.and it reads better (longer line, proper number of beats)!. On the up side, it's a pretty good poem, but I'd avoid "draweth"!.!.!.you could just as easily say, "my fight for freedom's drawing nigh"!.!.!.avoid anachronistic word usage as it spoils the voice (unless you're writing a period piece, and if that were the case, all the other words would have to be contemporary with "draweth")!. Again, nicely done, edit it, and keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com It is beautiful!. I like it!. Nice work:)Www@QuestionHome@Com I draweth a nice poem from this!. Rules are nice but sounds sould also count!. You as the poet need decide your voice!. Now if this was a business letter shame on you: draws!!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Well done, expressive!.Www@QuestionHome@Com like a bird in air like a cloud freeWww@QuestionHome@Com Yet again you penned your thoughts beautifully :)Www@QuestionHome@Com You are so on a roll, this was awesome! *^_^*Www@QuestionHome@Com |