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Question: My poem 'Midnight' its sort of romantic!?
I hop you like it :) also where could i improve!? thanks!.!.
Midnight
Rest a restless body upon a window ledge,
identical stars shine communally - one rare shooting star for us to pledge!. Through moisture window pains gaze high up at a universe,
moonlight reflected by aluminum-bodied cars for its light to disperse!.
Porch lights channeling, centering to a point in the distance,
pathways catching light – curbs causing shadows at night less existent!.
Ice crystals frigid from decadent airs clings to a street light,
a street in a neighborhood silent at midnight!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
If you want real comments, here they are: when you say "a restless body" you miss an opportunity to draw the reader in!. If you'd said, "rest your restless body!.!.!." or "I rest my restless body" it become far more personal and the connection is made between author and reader in the first line!.!.!.which is important!. Your second line is far too long, and since you're not writing in rhyme, you should have no problem inserting a line break to fix it!. When you say, "window pains gaze" you are guilty of a malapropism!.!.!.windows have "panes", not "pains", and to say "they gaze high up" is weak!.!.!.you could have said they "gaze out into the universe", or "!.!.!.endless universe", but "high up" is simply too weak!. The line, "causing shadows at night less existent" is missing something!.!.!.as written is makes little sense!.
I could go on, but I think you get the idea!.!.!.edit, edit, edit!.!.!.make it tighter, make sure each word provides full impact, and where they don't, get rid of them!.
!.!.!.and keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com
i really like it!. i felt like i was there too!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Its okay, but its not great the wording is okay but it just didnt capture me!. But the thought is good
With a litlr more work it could be very good
KEEP TRYINGWww@QuestionHome@Com
I liked it, it was very nice!!
I give it a 8 1/2 out of 10!! :)
have a nice day!!Www@QuestionHome@Com