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Question: My poem called Midnight please comment!?
Midnight
Rest a restless body upon a window ledge,
identical stars shine communally - one rare shooting star for us to pledge!. Through moisture window pains gaze high up at a universe,
moonlight reflected by aluminum-bodied cars for its light to disperse!.
Porch lights channeling centering to a point in the distance,
pathways catching light – curbs causing shadows at night less existent!.
Ice crystals frigid from decadent airs clings to a street light,
a street in a neighborhood silent at midnight!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
All it is, is a description of a scene!. And that's all it needs to be!. It's good work!.
Comments: "Rest a restless body" is a great phrase!. It is both musical, and commands the reader's attention by pairing the same word used in two different senses!.
You probably did not want it to be formatted the way yahoo presented it!.
"Channeling centering" is awkward!. At the very least put a comma in between!.
I admire the workmanship!. A good poet can produce a good poem about anything, even a paper clip!.
You display good use of alliteration, near rhymes, and unobtrusive meter!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
it has a rhythm to it!. you could use better stanzas!. i wrote a poem called "my love for you" and it has a meaning!. For everyone that has lweft in my life and isnt there!. and urs is about looking at life in a different life!. when i am older, i want to write poetry about my childhood!. i am only 13 and i hope to b a good poet!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
nice poem about viewing a certain street scene at night!. with the sleepless speaker, one can visualize the images vividly as the street lights transform all hues to 'aluminum-bodied cars'!.
consider - 'window pains' or panes
'decadent airs clings' !? you mean dew!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think it's really good' and very descriptive!.!. NiceWww@QuestionHome@Com
Great poem!.!.!.^-^!.!.!.
oh and I already commented it on wordpress!.com!.!.!.^-^
GREAT POEM!!! Its so beautiful!.!.!.^-^
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(?!.·′ (?!.·′ * Miyuki*Www@QuestionHome@Com
Window panes
Very esoteric!. There is a tendency to read this just as a list of things to be seen on a rainy night - which as you rightly say on the last line, is basically what it is!.!.!.!.!.
but, I am just passing on some advise some-one gave me on one of my poems rather like this!. Nothing is happening!
And no point is being made!.
I think your word power is 'awesome' but perhaps you need to be a little less generous with your imagery - rein in your enthusiasm at bit!.
I wonder too if each of your sentences would hold up to close scrutiny!. If some-one were to say to you 'curbs causing shadows at night less existent' explain that to me!? Could you!?
Please don't let my critique put you off - I wouldn't be bothering if I didn't think you had it in you to produce good stuff!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I vision you two together
on a starry night
body heat as two
become one
no thought of tomorrow
no thought of lies
just passionate LOVE
no thought of tomorrow
tomorrow doesn't count
for two LOVERS
only exist to night
Shining of first light
Forgotten protection
What will the light of
today bring!?Www@QuestionHome@Com