Position:Home>Poetry> New poem/song. It's called Hopeless. Give me some feedback!!!?
Question: New poem/song!. It's called Hopeless!. Give me some feedback!!!!?
Here it is!.
"Hopeless"
As I sit alone
I think of us and hope you do the same
But deep inside I know
That what we have will never change
You know there's nothing that I wouldn't do
Just so I could be with you
Platonic love is not enough for me
I know if you only knew
The amount of effort I would put into
Making your life perfect then you would see
That we were meant to be together
You and I with each other forever
But I don't know if you can ever
Realize that your life could be better
I've tried so hard to make us happen
'Cuz my love is more than what you'll ever be given
And now I'm done smiling and I'm done laughin'
I wish I could take all of it back, then
Live without knowing that we will never be
I dig a deeper hole
And I know this life isn't over today
But you control my soul
And it will always be that wayWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
It might have a chance at being a "song"!.!.!.the rhyme patterns are inconsistant, but not unattractive, if it's a song!. I did like the aabccb pattern of the second stanza!. The chorus was okay as well, so it has promise as a song, but it would depend on the melody!. The funny thing about songs is that you can get away with just about anything when it comes to rhyme, slant rhyme, half-rhyme, couplets, etc!. Songs also don't have to be overly original in concept, because with a song it's the "way" it sounds, not just what it says; a poem is more difficult because "how" you say it "does" matter!.
!.!.!.I can hear the song in my head now!.!.!.put it to music, and keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com
i like it!. what inspired you to write this!? you post more of them!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
There's a voice from the past, from the 38th parallel!.!.!.
It's saying, check out this
www!.poetsofmars!.comWww@QuestionHome@Com
I think it's a real good poem/song!.!.!. it sounds real and heart-felt!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You wrote those!? Cool! there awesome! i also write poetry!Www@QuestionHome@Com