Would you critique my poem? Please? I think you might like it.?

Question: Would you critique my poem!? Please!? I think you might like it!.!?

Untitled as of yet, but please let me know what it does for you!.

No one here is judging you,
Consider I could know the truth!.
I once was lost but felt secure,
I knew my place with god was sure!.
But then my dreams were filled with fear,
The shortness of our days appeared!.
Could all I knew and once believed
Be ill and humanly conceived!?
So I had made that giant step,
My loving friends and family left,
And then I found I was inclined,
To beg the world an open mind!.

My home and mother chokes and burns,
Where have all her babies turned!?
The blinding worship of the son,
It can't undo the damage done!.
He turns our focus anywhere,
Except the dying world we share!.
Make believe his future times,
Forgive the evil men their crimes!.
It plays out very well for them,
They're getting rich from loving sin,
And counting on your fear of death,
To numb you while you still have breath!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

The rhyme style, paired couplets, is an awkward form to use because it doesn't provide enough space between the rhymes and therefore makes the poem sound a little "rhymy"!. The effect is softened a little because you didn't use perfect rhymes, and in some cases, the rhymes are only barely so!. Apart from the form and rhyming shortcomings, the beats are off!. This is more important than correcting the rhyming errors!. You could write in open verse and still maintain a lyrical style if your beats and rhythm were better!. Looking at the lines, I think you could improve them without changing the basic content or wording!.!.!.trust your ear, but have someone else read it aloud so you can "hear" it without any prejudice!.!.!.when "you" read it, your mind corrects for the hardspots, so you might miss them!.!.!.this is not true when someone else reads them!.!.!.if you hear them falter or the lines sound off, make notes and edit!. The voice is a little "preachy", and I'd recommend you consider that you "might" know the truth instead of "could" know the truth!.!.!.and even that is a stretch because it presumes omnipotent knowledge!. The political and social viewpoints lack a little depth as it assumes much and mirrors a marxist mentality common among young adults and intellectuals!.

If only the world were black and white, evil and good!.!.!.but the truth is that it is just shades of grey and although I do not believe in moral relativism, I do believe there is a fundamental 'right and wrong'!. "That", however, is my opinion, and only my opinion!.!.!.you are certainly entitled to your opinion, but rather than just tell you how great your view might be, I decided you're smart enough to hear a counterpoint!. It isn't a "sin" to make money in a capitalistic world, it's the raison d'etre!.

Your poem is "okay", but it could be better!. Look at your beats, the voice, edit where you hear the hardspots and reconsider some of your rhyme choices!.

It's a good first draft!.!.!.keep writing!Www@QuestionHome@Com

I'm not really big on religion or anything, but in my biased opinion that was quite an amazing poem!.
Me and my friend both liked it very much!.
:DWww@QuestionHome@Com

Very thought provoking!. It is good to have an open mind when you decide wheter you believe in God, so your faith will be real!. Once you decide to trust and have faith though, it is time to go for broke!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

thats deep !!!! I think iif you publish it you should put a really intricate border in like ruby red or emerald green, But yeah that is really good !!! it made me think a lot about everythingWww@QuestionHome@Com

I'm thinking, As the world turns!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Wow!. You really said something that everyone was thinking!. Great poem!. I look forward to anything you create in the future!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

It's a good poem!. It's like your talking about an experience!. You should write more!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

That was a very genuine poem, it seems!. I get the feeling that you were shocked out of some kind of organized religion, your family severed ties with you, and now you seem to be on some kind of spiritual/environmental/political journey to empower people to save the planet thats being raped!. Nice job!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

that was good mateWww@QuestionHome@Com

Good poem, very thought provoking!. Liked the 2ND verse best!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

wow man!. that was beautiful!. i loved it to the fullest of my heart!.
when i was reading it, i really had to think about it!. i mean that in a good way!. like, it's so good!. i can't even find enough words to describe how much i loved it! man!.!.!.so good!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Yeh thats really really good =D i liked how it changed from good and bad like heaven or hell!.Www@QuestionHome@Com