Position:Home>Poetry> Please help! I'm writing a poem and I need suggestions on how to make it bet
Question: Please help! I'm writing a poem and I need suggestions on how to make it better!?
Ok!.!.!. so my assignment is to write a ballad poem!.!.!.!.
These are the requirements!.!.
-Must tell a story, either funny or serious
-Use 4 lines per stanza!. Min of 12 lines!.
-Use rhyme pattern ABAB
Bobby Tin saw his crush
After he got off the bus
He didn’t rush
To get inside where mom would probably start to cuss!.
She didn’t like her son’s crush
Mom thought she was a mean girl
When he would talk about his crush, she would say hush!
It made him want to hurl!.
Bobby thought this was so unfair
He liked her so much in every way
However, his mom didn’t care
He hoped she would understand one day!.
Suggestions!?!? Tips!? thanks so much in advance!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Bobby Tin saw his crush,
And stepped down off the bus!.
He didn't run, He didn't rush,
To go in and hear his momma cuss!.
She didn't like Bobby's gal!.
Momma said that she was mean!.
She'd slap him silly with a towel!.
Her name would cause a scene!.
This made Bobby very sad!.
She was his only desire!.
If his momma hadn't raised such a mild lad,
He'd probably set her afire!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
its good!.
but somethings def!. wrong wiht you teacher !?
Balladas are ALWAYS of a very sad and trajic story,
always!.
And easy subject would be something like the world trade centers crashing or the titanic!.
but your POEM is good :) , it's just a little repetative!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
just for the sake of the sound, you might want to cut back on the "sh" sound!. You have alot of it in the first 2 stanzasWww@QuestionHome@Com
the third line add a word after didn't like need to or want to other than that it was o!.kWww@QuestionHome@Com
Try to keep the rhythm even so it bounces along!.
The first two lines have an interesting meter but the third upsets it!. You could lengthen it like "even so, he didn't rush" then shorten the fourth!.
The long line in the second verse is great - it upsets the rhythm with an internal rhyme!.
Bobby Tin saw his crush
After he got off the bus
Even so, he didn’t rush
To go inside and hear mom cuss!.
She didn’t like her son’s crush
And thought she was a mean girl
When he talked about his crush, she would say hush!
It made poor Bobby want to hurl!.
Bobby thought this was unfair
He liked his crush in every way
And though his mom just didn’t care
He hoped she'd understand one day!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Bobby Tin saw his crush,
Watched her from a distance
Wanted to, but didn't rush
Knew this was his last chance
To make a good impression now (In the)
hopes that she would notice
This broken hero, bent and bowed
Who'd sell his soul for one kiss
But Bobby found his courage wanting
As so often happened before
Walked by in silence, Reality- daunting
Holding fast to his dreams once more
(just made this for you, maybe some good-
If you like it, check out Pilgrimsavant on youtube)
Good Luck
XWww@QuestionHome@Com