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Question: <read my poem and tell me what you think> who wants best answer!?
As this bright moon shines down upon me with the soft sounds of a piano in the distance thinking of lost memories!.
feeling free and clear of todays demons,absorbing the smoke of a known killer turned smoother and healer, blowing away
my troubles that seem to float away in the nights cooling air!. nothing can touch me, nothing can ruin my nightly beauty of
freedom!. My friends so high and away looking at me with there shining lights coverd by soft and vast clouds dreaming
i can join in this gathering of earthly and space ritual that seems to last forever but cannot cause of the one and only bright
one, comes to join, this beast of a light telling me i must retire the ending night!. i bid fair well to my friends and join you another night!.
<in case you do not understand of known killer it is ment to cigerettes>Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Well if you must explain your poem than it is not doing it's job!. Or at least you think it might not be doing it's job!. "there shinning lights" should be "their shinning lights"!.
It has some interesting images!. "absorbing the smoke of a known killer" is nice!.
But overall I do not understand what is going on other than the smoking part!. The friends you refer to leave me puzzled!. I want to say they are dead and possibly in heaven!. I also want to say they died from smoking and the last line seems to indicate that you have suddenly decided to quit smoking so you will not join them in heaven!.
I need more concrete images to ground me in the scene and a title would also help the reader get grounded!.
On another note you cannot think of lost memories!. If they are lost you will not think of them or cannot think of them!.
"free and clear" is cliche so I drop either free or clear just to tighten it up!. Probably free because freedom comes up later!. I do not understand the friend looking at you with shinning lights from above covered by soft and vast clouds dreaming!.
If your friends are dreaming they cannot be shinning lights for they are asleep!. also if they are covered in vast clouds they cannot see you so they also would not be shinning lights as it would be futile with clouds in the way!.
The lines "i can join in this gathering of earthly and space ritual that seems to last forever but cannot cause of the one and only bright
one, comes to join, this beast of a light telling me i must retire the ending night"
just do not make sense to me!. Don't explain it either, as I said you should never have to explain your poem it you do that job!. I suggest writing down what you would say if it were not a poem and you just talking to a stranger in t he street and see what you get then try to work those words into the poem!. To be poetic does not mean you always have to use flowery and obtuse language!.
I would also fool with the line breaks to change up the rhythm!.
It is interesting, it just needs some clarity is all!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Pretty good!
Farewell is one word though =]Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's alright, although it doesn't make sense with the killer part!.Www@QuestionHome@Com