Position:Home>Poetry> This is a poem I wrote about jealousy.?
Question: This is a poem I wrote about jealousy!.!?
Does his stride aggravate you
Because it takes away your fire
Because it takes away your light
Takes away your girl's desire
Does his sassiness make you mad!?
Because it's just like the sassiness you had
Before he took it all away
in less then the hours of a day
Does it anger you that you can't remember
The remnants of your mind's last ember
Now blocked is your mind's funnel
There ain't no more light across that tunnel
He's perfect in everyway
And to fix that there's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
The deeds' already done
And despite the fire left in you
The battle's already won
The war grows in vain
You start to go insane
Something clicks in your brain
All you standed for is now slain
Your hopes start to die
Revealing all your live's lies
Your body half-ate by flies
Now your stupid, no longer wise
You're wrapped in a ball on your lawn
From day to the next next dawn
That is unless of course
You face your fears straight onWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
wow that gorgeous!
i love it
what it pictures to me
is a story insid another story
as in your telling something and
then something else deeply associated
i know its from the heart which makes
it beatifulWww@QuestionHome@Com
And it sucksWww@QuestionHome@Com
i can relate to this poem!
great poem!Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's good, but it needs editing!. It captures jealousy very well!.
You should change "ain't no more light across" into "isn't any more light across"
And "All you standed for is now slain" into "All you stood for is now slain"
And "Your body half-ate" into "Your body half-eaten"Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow,
Nice poem
and it is written very well
The first few lines is like revenge
As reading the poem I can see the hurt!.
with lines like this is because it takes away the fire
But now I see the jealousy!.
I like how the poem rhymesWww@QuestionHome@Com
Wow, I really liked it, though I agree it needs editing to bring it to full bloom as it were!. My humble suggestions would be:
to cut the just like in line 6, it will have the same meaning but flow better!.
line 8 sp!. then to than
Line 12 , I think the ain'ts fine but I would cut the "There" again for flow!.
Line22 standed to stood
In line 24 do you mean lives (reincarnation) or lifes (this life!?)
Line 25 sp to half-eaten
Line 26 sp change to you're (I do this myself a lot!)
Line 29, not sure you need "That is" It would be stronger without it to lead into the last powerful line!.
Very minor tweakings to a great poem!. I really like how you use questions in it, love the way it ends and as a whole!.Www@QuestionHome@Com