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Position:Home>Poetry> Would you critique?Question: Would you critique!? Spring-time Evenings
Bright bold colors immerse from the Earth, perfuming the air with nose-tickling scents!. Birds stand tall atop the old wooden fence, crooning out melodies as the trees sway along!. Laughter and giggles fill the night, while capturing bugs, and chasing fireflies!. Angelic breezes dance through the atmosphere carrying wishes up to the stars!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Wow! I might actually find something to critique!. Don't worry, that's good!. I always say that the worst fear of a poet should be validation!. Then there's no room for improvement!. Feel free to vilify me at any time!. Anyway, the poem!. Do you mean "bright bold colors/EMERGE (not yelling, promise), or Immerse!. To immerse is to dive in to, to be covered!. Emerge is to come out from and show yourself!. If you actually do want to use "immerse" then I suggest you reword the lines "Bright bold colors/Immersed in the earth!." For more unification in stanza two, I would almost use "and" instead of "as" for the trees swaying!. That way, it looks like the two separate entities are performing their acts in conjuction with each other, whereas "as" seems to separate them!. also, while it may look weird, I think it would enhance the flow if you combined "dance through/the atmosphere," into one line!. Try reading this aloud Angelic breezes, dance through the atmosphere, carrying wishes up to the stars!. Use whatever part of this critique you want, but know that you have a beautiful poem, no matter what you choose to do!. Your heart shines in your work!. Never lose that, no matter what trolls stalk you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com feels very much like an epic Haiku!. But I like it, good visualization and tells a complete story of spring!.Www@QuestionHome@Com I like this, I am just wondering maybe if a little punctuation might help, I see a couple of spots that possibly could use a comma!. It is a very excellent read!. Bravo!.Www@QuestionHome@Com I am going to critique along with the poem The bright flowers that immerse from the earth those would be the flowers The flowers would have that fresh scent The birds are everywhere besides in the tree also on the fence!. Laughter and giggles fill the night chasing the fireflies those would be the people!.Www@QuestionHome@Com I like it!. For some reason, I feel that "bright bold colors" needs to be clarified more!. What colors!? That line seems a bit too "telly," we want to "see" the colors, not to be told about them!. Other than that, *snaps*Www@QuestionHome@Com I think you mean emerge not immerse!. Immerse means to go down under water on something!. Emerge means to come forth!. Other then that I really like your poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com |