I stripped this down, is it better now.?

Question: I stripped this down, is it better now!.!?

"whispers"

Oh so long, shes lived alone,
casting her spells of black!.
Queen of all she surveys,
bringer of pleasure and pain!.

Whispering in my mind,
stirring my dark desires!.
Give me strength,
to survive a single kiss!.

Drown in eyes, dark as death,
try to hide, no avail!.
The wind is so icy cold,
deserate cries, muted moans!.

Visions of death, despair,
fates ahead, walking dead!.
Cries of mostly silent pain,
it is done, my soul drained!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

I'd need the other one in front of me to compare!. That being said, I find it pared down to its essence!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Hey mate, do me a big favour and scrap the poetry thing, and put this biznatch to music!. honestly i only read a few stanzas, but that was all it took to realise that as wierd as it may sound, this is a horrible poem, but would be a very and i mean very awesome song!. Play a slower and darker ballad melody, or some kind of dark either hard or emo-like rock instrumentals and read the words to it and tell me im wrong!. Anyways, bad poem, great song, thats just my take on it!. good luck!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

i will think about it for miniteWww@QuestionHome@Com

Chad M may have a good point!. You certainly have created a strong mood here, albeit one I'm tired of hearing from you!. That should not, however, be taken as a criticism of the work itself!. But, until I am hearing it sung, and not reading it in print:
Line#1!. "she's"
Line#12!. "desperate"
Line#15!. I'm not happy about the wishy-washy "mostly," but I'm not so sure that it doesn't work either!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

That is very weel crafted poem!. I didn't read the first version, but I like how it reads right now!. Good imagery and I really get a feel for the main female character through the words!.

Two things i would change
1) Take out "so" in The wind is so icy cold!.!.!. it reads just as well without it and the so adds nothing to the meaning!.!.!. which in poetry, if it does not add, then it subtracts!.
2) Cries of mostly silent pain!.!. I feel like "mostly" doesnt fit here, doesnt fit the tone!. I like "Cries of solitary silent pain" better!.Www@QuestionHome@Com