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Question: Does this make any sense to you at all!?
You might have read this poem already!. My progress is slow but I'm really trying hard to learn!. and how does it fare on a scale of 1 to 10!? :D do you think it's too vague!?
Writer's Block
[version five]
The sun has set!.
My pen sleeps peacefully!.
Sheets of snow
Spread across my desk!.
Growing higher, heavier!.
Even colder with each breath!.
I sit amid winter!.
Within, I fight storm!.
The skies spew whips
The earth below wavers!.
I close my eyes
And wait for the dawn,
For the golden warmth of rays
Amazing how it's cold!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I think it's pretty good, but the image of the pen sleeping peacefully doesn't seem to fit with the imagery of the storm and the wavering earth!. Maybe 'fitfully' would be better!?
I like the image that's evolving, if I'm following it correctly -- the sheets of snow piling up as a metaphor of scrapped poem ideas or partially written works; the storm within to represent the desire to get words/ideas/emotions out on paper; the dawn representing the the emergence of an idea!.
But somehow, it just doesn't seem like a complete work yet!.
I'd say its a 7 or so!. Nice start!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I'll comment on first stanza :
The sun has set!. My pen sleeps peacefully!.
Sheets of snow Spread across my desk!.
Growing higher, heavier!.Even colder with each breath!.
Instead of colder , i would change it to hotter !. Why !? You don't lose meaning , and IMHO it sounds stronger !. also you could describe heavier !.!. How heavy is it !? Is the table starting to creak from its immense burden !? I think you get my point !. G Luck :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
I liked it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I feel you need to read a lot of poems and think a lot!. You have the flair and potential!.you fare 5 on a scale of 10!.This is my humble opinion!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
If you are trying to write, I would think your pen would sleep restlessly (you know tossing and turning as no words/verses come) What do you think!?
I like the image of the sheets of snow spreading (or even piling up!?) on your desk!.
Last line 'Shivering in the cold'
Good tryWww@QuestionHome@Com