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Position:Home>Poetry> Would anyone like to read and comment on my poem 'Numb'?Question:The scent of pine,the haunting melody, My unknown worlds,my unspoken words. The aching wounds no longer cry, The frozen blood no longer flow. Your smile can no longer touch me. Your tears can no longer move me. The bleeding words,the blood soaked pages, My unwritten verse,my unshed tears. I search for myself in the layers of my brain. The cold which pierce my body Like a thousand needles is painless But this heart made numb by your love Aches everytime i breath The frozen altar,the ghostly moonlight, My unlived hopes,my undying love. I drift through the cold shards of night ; my skin pale and translucent With icy hands i touch a drooping flower, try to remeber your touch and fail. The roaring sea,the cold black rocks, My aching desire,ultimate salvation. I open my arms and let the sinful coldness engulf me, Pull me down into the dark abyss. i welcome in the throbbing rhythmic coldness pulsating in me like a stony heart which has become so numb. Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: The scent of pine,the haunting melody, My unknown worlds,my unspoken words. The aching wounds no longer cry, The frozen blood no longer flow. Your smile can no longer touch me. Your tears can no longer move me. The bleeding words,the blood soaked pages, My unwritten verse,my unshed tears. I search for myself in the layers of my brain. The cold which pierce my body Like a thousand needles is painless But this heart made numb by your love Aches everytime i breath The frozen altar,the ghostly moonlight, My unlived hopes,my undying love. I drift through the cold shards of night ; my skin pale and translucent With icy hands i touch a drooping flower, try to remeber your touch and fail. The roaring sea,the cold black rocks, My aching desire,ultimate salvation. I open my arms and let the sinful coldness engulf me, Pull me down into the dark abyss. i welcome in the throbbing rhythmic coldness pulsating in me like a stony heart which has become so numb. sounds good, I'm no professional but I think the word "brain" in the second stanza doesn't quite fit. You build up a sharp kind of cold tone, like being numb throughout the poem but the word "brain" just seems to have the wrong connotation. maybe layers of my soul or layers of my mortality just something that isn't squishy. That's my advice take it or leave it. good read... i fancy the style you have adopted, and how you put the things you haven't cried or shed or spoken or done or felt... Looks like your doing personal therapy--good for the soul. If you want a place that you can get some pretty decent and or constructive criticism, Gather.com is a good one. Good luck with your writing. : ) i wonder why 'the frozen blood no longer flow'. while the rest of it.. i got the feeling. cold, frozen, hard to breathe my lungs missing your scent unspoken vows on sleepless night haven't you felt my undying hope? |