Position:Home>Poetry> What do you think of this poem? how could i make it better?

Question:Before you judge, it’s said, replace your shoes
With those upon your opposition’s feet
Then walk a mile or three, until you lose
The prejudice; allow your mind to meet
With theirs, and settle into every thought
And every memory; as you begin
To understand, you earn the thing you sought:
The right to judge what you are seeing in
A fairer, clearer way. Maybe talk, now,
And see where you, as well, have erred: and then
When both accept their wrongs, then think on how
To right. There is a habit known of Men
(And Women, too – all are at fault) to speak
With one, so moral, voice; but then we fail
To heed the words: hypocrisy prevails.
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this is a first draft, i would like to know where you think it can improve. i managed the form of a sonnet, but didn't hit the usual "ideas" behind the octave and the setset =/
i think it begins to fall apart after the first couple of lines...do you agree?

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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Before you judge, it’s said, replace your shoes
With those upon your opposition’s feet
Then walk a mile or three, until you lose
The prejudice; allow your mind to meet
With theirs, and settle into every thought
And every memory; as you begin
To understand, you earn the thing you sought:
The right to judge what you are seeing in
A fairer, clearer way. Maybe talk, now,
And see where you, as well, have erred: and then
When both accept their wrongs, then think on how
To right. There is a habit known of Men
(And Women, too – all are at fault) to speak
With one, so moral, voice; but then we fail
To heed the words: hypocrisy prevails.
--------------------------------------...
this is a first draft, i would like to know where you think it can improve. i managed the form of a sonnet, but didn't hit the usual "ideas" behind the octave and the setset =/
i think it begins to fall apart after the first couple of lines...do you agree?

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I think it's a good start, and I agree with you that in its present form it falls apart a bit. It meanders too much.
A couple of comments:

1) This is a Shakespearean sonnet--no octave and sestet.

2) "how" doesn't rhyme with "speak" (3rd and 5th lines from bottom)

3) "Before you judge, it’s said, replace your shoes
With those upon your opposition’s feet". This amused me a little: it makes it sound like you are literally just borrowing your opponent's shoes for a walk. I always took the expression to mean that you are walking in his shoes *while he still wears them*, so to speak, i.e. you walk exactly where he does, when he does.

I'd say the main thing to work on here is tightening up the language and ideas. It looks like you started by just getting the words and rhymes down, which is fine, but now see where you can tighten it.

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Easily confusable, maybe, but I didn't mean it as a criticism: just telling you that you don't have to worry about that bit. If you want to worry about the structure of your sonnet you could try managing it so each quatrain introduces its own idea and the couplet sums it all up. Report It

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