First poem.. please rate and tell me your perception of it.?

Question:(My heart wears a warning sign)
I'll tell you anything that you'd like to hear, i'd talk that
sweet sh!# that you like oh dear. but beware, my heart
wears a warning sign.....
It's cold as ice, but it stings like a bee. don't ever get close you could never trust me... for i am the moon and you are the sun, open me up and i'll go off like a gun.
My words says one thing but my heart says an nothing.
look into my eyes and you'll see nothing but a blubber.
come close, come in. for iam like rubber.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: (My heart wears a warning sign)
I'll tell you anything that you'd like to hear, i'd talk that
sweet sh!# that you like oh dear. but beware, my heart
wears a warning sign.....
It's cold as ice, but it stings like a bee. don't ever get close you could never trust me... for i am the moon and you are the sun, open me up and i'll go off like a gun.
My words says one thing but my heart says an nothing.
look into my eyes and you'll see nothing but a blubber.
come close, come in. for iam like rubber.

Well, you've seen the comments of others, so you probably understand that your poem needs work. Yes, you make some common mistakes typical of first time or beginning poets. Rhyming in and of itself is not a bad thing, most famous poems rhyme...the difference is in "how" they rhyme. You cannot present a series of lines that were forced to rhyme and say, "look, I wrote a poem"...it doesn't work like that. By "forced", we mean that you composed lines that would not normally be spoken, simply so they would "rhyme" with another line. Rhyming needs to sound natural; the words need to appear as if they rhymed on accident and that they were the only words that would really have fit...and try to avoid couplets (pairs of rhymed lines) unless you're finishing your poem with them or they are so long that the rhyme is delayed...and do NOT do a series of hard end-stopped rhymes (rhyming words at the end of a line "and" the end of a sentence)...they make the rhyme seem too hard. Next, unless you're Ginsberg or writing for a college underground paper, try to stay away from profanity words, they cheapen your poem by trying to trade shock for substance. The comments about mixed metaphors is valid; when you say, "my heart is cold as ice, but..." the reader expects to read something that is the opposite of "cold"...when you say, "...but stings like a bee" you destroy the image you tried to create. There is nothing wrong with saying it stings like a bee, but you need to pair it with something like "honey"...as in, "my heart may look like honey, but it stings like a bee", or "It's cold as ice, but burns like fire anyone who touches it". You do this (almost) when you say, "my words say (not says) one thing, but my heart says "another" (not an nothing). Lastly, avoid "ubber" words unless you're writing a comic poem (rubber, lubber, blubber, etc.). No, there's no rule book for words to use and not use, but you need to listen to what you write...the "ubber" words force you to say multisyllable words with flapping lips and finish with an open mouth...good for comedy, but not for a serious poem.

The one important (and greatly so) thing the other comments neglected is that you "chose" to write a poem and had the guts to post it. The most difficult thing about writing poetry is starting...you've moved past that, so good or bad, you are now someone who writes poetry and can say that you posted a poem. It's not front page news, but there are millions of critics who've never posted a poem (nor will they)...but you have. Read other poetry, look at other styles, look at what you write and try to examine it a bit (if you really want to get better). Have someone read your poetry to you out loud so you can "hear" what others hear...you can't really do that in your head nor when "you" read it out loud. You need to have a tough hide to write and post poem for review because its easier to find fault in others than produce anything worth review yourself...so your poem's flaws will look amplified. By the same token, don't get discouraged...learn, then write a better poem and know that good poets got that way by working at it.

...and most of all...keep writing

To be honest the rhyming seems a little forced. Poetry doesn't have to rhyme, and sometimes it flows better if it doesn't.
The third last line doesn't make much sense either.
It's not bad, it reads like you have a bubbly personality, and i like what it's about as well. keep writing :)

Its definetly up there on the suck scale.

It derivative, with mixed metaphors that don't make sense. The rhym is infantile at best.

The worst part of the poem is that it is unfocused, and unclear. Wordplay jumps from bees, to suns to rubber with no regard for continuing imagery.

The most unforgivable however is its inability to evoke any type of emotional response.

Yeah. It totatlly sucked.

...better than most first timers though, which is sad.

thats a good one i like it

Not bad if you're in the 6th. grade.

Well, it does have some problems. You have good ideas you just need to get them all in line to invoke the imagery you want to put up. Just work with it and try to reword it. I'm sure you can fix it.