Critique please - my portfolio is due by midnight.?

Question:Spain

white wine weighs down sodden limbs
internally heated,
arms, feet, necks like a ragdoll,
heads that loll onto shoulders,
mouths mindlessly grinning
in the humid august bar.

we spin in dizzy circles
letting the air sticky kiss our skin
that makes it glow with sweat,
we are laughing with the crazies,
with the two a.m. night strollers,
the smokers, the dancers
in the humid august night.

we sing, running down endless alleys,
damp like the puddles our feet kick up,
our footsteps clicking on the stone ground,
steps that lollop from column to wall,
to tall walls that throw shadows over us,
walls that would keep us there forever
in the humid august city.

you serenade me with
strings that ping, twang, thwack,
crack against wood that splinters.
pulses bounce around
the old stone columns and
reverberate in my vertebrae.
shuddering strings screech,
their waves high above the hair on my head
that sticks up, shocked
in humid august.

my stung skin rises with the heat.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Spain

white wine weighs down sodden limbs
internally heated,
arms, feet, necks like a ragdoll,
heads that loll onto shoulders,
mouths mindlessly grinning
in the humid august bar.

we spin in dizzy circles
letting the air sticky kiss our skin
that makes it glow with sweat,
we are laughing with the crazies,
with the two a.m. night strollers,
the smokers, the dancers
in the humid august night.

we sing, running down endless alleys,
damp like the puddles our feet kick up,
our footsteps clicking on the stone ground,
steps that lollop from column to wall,
to tall walls that throw shadows over us,
walls that would keep us there forever
in the humid august city.

you serenade me with
strings that ping, twang, thwack,
crack against wood that splinters.
pulses bounce around
the old stone columns and
reverberate in my vertebrae.
shuddering strings screech,
their waves high above the hair on my head
that sticks up, shocked
in humid august.

my stung skin rises with the heat.

To give you an idea of how well this poem evokes a time and place, I started envisioning Barcelona by the second line. Of course the title helps in that. The genius in this poem is in its auditory power. The repetition of o and ol sounds in the first stanza starts us off - down, sodden,ragdoll,loll,shoulders, mouths. It has a nice musicality to it. Ignore the criticism regarding "sticky kiss." Of course, it stretches correct usage - that's what poets are supposed to do. Read the back of your poetic license, it says so right there. In the third stanza the fluid sounds repeat themselves - lollop, column, wall, tall walls, shadows, walls. For me, this has meaning beyond the denotative. It relaxes the mouth in a way that alcohol relaxes the mouth. And the use of "lollop" is perfect! It's not a word, yet it's meaning is obvious. [And yes, the right to create new words is also included in your poetic license - it says so on the back also.] And it's something that one might easily utter after a few copas de vino. The sounds of the last stanza were the most fun for me. [Don't you others read these poems aloud?] To the liquidity of the previous stanzas is added the percussive sounds of the guitar. And just as its discrete percussive sounds fuse into a unified melodious flow, so do the sounds of this poem. [The other critics just are not drinking enough.]
A few technical notes: #1- Read this first with "ragdoll," then read it using "rag doll." #2- Try to say "reverberate in my vertebrae" 3 times fast without laughing.
Question to Taja . Midnight in what time zone. I hate to feel rushed.

onomatopoeia, alliteration, imagery, simile..

LOVE IT!

10/10

the "letting the sticky air kiss our skin" is not grammatically correct..
"steps that lollop?" no............um i dunno..it doesn't flow
very good all around. .although i cant say that i like your topic and the last line is a teeny weird..but that makes it orginal!
good job!

I know a certain ONE of these other people did not have her mind open!!!! It's great! I know poetry is hard to do. I like your metaphors and similes! 10/10 great Job!!!

It seems like u have been doing this a little while.The discretion of the city in Spain made me feel as though i was walking beside u laughing and carrying on as it happened .The first stanza is great, the way u describe the grapes on the vine took a little understanding, but it pulled me into the environment that u created, and the earlier u do that the better the reader will understand your piece. Love the hole things i could list but i would run out of room. Be confident; if all our stuff is like this, don't worry

Firstly, this is a wonderful, wonderful poem. 'the humid august bar' is a beautifully honest image to invoke; the way that you describe things is -amazing.-

The line 'in humid august' doesn't fit, though; everywhere else in this poem, you followed humid august with a noun. Continue this in the last stanza. Also, the image of skin rising isn't a desirable one; try 'my stung soul rises with the heat.' Other than that, wow. Incredible. I commend you.

This poem is great! There is just one place where the word choice seems wrong. In the line "letting the air sticky kiss our skin," did you maybe mean "stickily"? Yay to good poetry in Y! A!!!!!!

Air sticky-kiss our skin OR sticky air kiss our skin; either of these would work better...

Other than that, I can hear that guitar! Excellent work.