Can you offer any advice on this poem?

Question:In my head I punch people.
The astronaut-head man who steals my ideas,
The 4year screamer that feeds my aspirin habit,
The replica of me who made replica mistakes,
All have invisible black eyes.

Sun goes up, burns people, and slumps down on the horizon,
A job well done. The sunflower watches it’s progress like a scorned lover.

Traffic lights change, cars crash,
people speed over the ghost of the wreckage,
Ignoring signs next to the children laughing on the sidewalk.

The old couple on the bench hold hands,
I smile. Remembering faces I imposed on his head-
People who never wore my unseen abuse.

Sun goes up, traffic lights change,
But everyone gets a break sometimes.
I get distracted enough not to mental box,
Some people decide to walk instead of drive,
And sunflowers don’t stare at night.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: In my head I punch people.
The astronaut-head man who steals my ideas,
The 4year screamer that feeds my aspirin habit,
The replica of me who made replica mistakes,
All have invisible black eyes.

Sun goes up, burns people, and slumps down on the horizon,
A job well done. The sunflower watches it’s progress like a scorned lover.

Traffic lights change, cars crash,
people speed over the ghost of the wreckage,
Ignoring signs next to the children laughing on the sidewalk.

The old couple on the bench hold hands,
I smile. Remembering faces I imposed on his head-
People who never wore my unseen abuse.

Sun goes up, traffic lights change,
But everyone gets a break sometimes.
I get distracted enough not to mental box,
Some people decide to walk instead of drive,
And sunflowers don’t stare at night.

That was quite excellent. I liked the redemption at the end--life ain't all bad, eh?

The line "The 4year screamer that feeds my aspirin habit" was perfect, I will share it with my sister, a mother of three, the loudest being, you guessed it, a four year-old boy who can do nothing by scream (and poop in places that just weren't meant to contain poop).

Final note: "And sunflowers don't stare at night." nice reversal on the usually happy conotation of the sun-following (and constantly staring) sunflower.

I award this poem my first star.

I actually liked it. It was kind of jumpy, a little hard to follow for someone who's not used to it. But I write a lot like that, so it didn't bother me. Good job. You're one of the few people I've seen on here that went a little deeper than your standard love poem.