Waddya think eh?

Question:bah im no poet but i was...thinking, and i just started typing, and this...thing, came out. lol. waddya think? eh? comments and also does it get to your emotions? is it...hmm how do i put this...raw? comments plz.
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throw down your strawberry blonde noose
drown me in your ocean eyes
take me between your satin lips, chew me up and spit me out
if whats on your mind is only darkness let it cut me like a knife
dont protect me, if its pain you hold then hurt me
wrap your caressing hands around my neck and end my misery
if you're the equivilent to future pain then let it come and let it be
to be born again in your eyes, to live upon your lips and die in your arms
this was my dream

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: bah im no poet but i was...thinking, and i just started typing, and this...thing, came out. lol. waddya think? eh? comments and also does it get to your emotions? is it...hmm how do i put this...raw? comments plz.
--------------------------------------...
throw down your strawberry blonde noose
drown me in your ocean eyes
take me between your satin lips, chew me up and spit me out
if whats on your mind is only darkness let it cut me like a knife
dont protect me, if its pain you hold then hurt me
wrap your caressing hands around my neck and end my misery
if you're the equivilent to future pain then let it come and let it be
to be born again in your eyes, to live upon your lips and die in your arms
this was my dream

The beginning of this is excellent -- really top-rate. The first three lines are fantastic. Then you segue into triteness -- things that have already been written before, and along with it you start to TELL your feelings instead of SHOWING them. Showing is always better than telling, in writing. You show your frustration and obsession for the person you're writing about EXCELLENTLY with strawberry-blonde noose, ocean eyes, and satin lips; you show the person's disdain and frustrating aloofness with chew-me-up-and-spit-me-out.

Make the rest of the poem like this, is my advice. Get rid of the cut me like a knife (trite/overused), the pain, caressing, misery, future pain, birth, dying in your arms (trite/overused), and the fact that you have a dream, and SHOW us all of this instead of TELLING us what you want. It makes much more effective writing (the kind people like to read...)

PS: I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings, BTW, just critique the work -- I've felt similar feelings, and by God I know that strawberry-blonde noose REAL well (wish I didn't!!) -- your feelings are valid, I'm not trying to hurt them, I'm telling you this to give you ideas to help with the POEM as a piece of writing!

I agree with the mademoiselle further down about the first lines. Trés magnifique. Fabulous.

I do wonder, though, about your images, hm? Your images, they come with one purpose, and that purpose is to show your death by the love you see here. That is a powerful image, mon ami, and it would work much more pleasantly if it were more solid in the minds of the reader.

Wow. I hardly come across poems that I enjoy and I'm pretty honest about my opinion.
I really enjoyed this.
Its clever but simple. Its short but has much passion behind it.
Nice.

I liked you poem. It might need just a bit of tweaking in a few places but everyones does sometimes. You have good ideas. Keep writing.