| Question Home |
Position:Home>Poetry> Can you see it in my eyes? Opinions invited please?!?Question:A poem written by me...I invite comments. thanks! In My Eyes… In my eyes you’ll see everything... You’ll see my love for you, my passion, And know my every thought… I gaze deeply into your eyes, so full of beauty You’ll see the moon, the stars, and the sunlight All the beauty of the Earth... The trees, the oceans, the mountains, the peaceful valleys You’ll see the entire universe there... It is breathtaking! You’ll see me taking your hand gently... Pulling your trembling body ever so near to mine... Until our hearts beat as one. Holding each other... Caressing each other... Connecting both in flesh and emotion. You have touched my body in a loving embrace... You have touched my heart With your gentle loving manner... You have touched my soul... with your eyes I am lost forever in your eyes! ~Teri ~ Copyright ? Teri Wright 2008. All rights reserved. This poem/story is the intellectual property of the author and her heirs and is not to be copied or reproduced. Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: A poem written by me...I invite comments. thanks! In My Eyes… In my eyes you’ll see everything... You’ll see my love for you, my passion, And know my every thought… I gaze deeply into your eyes, so full of beauty You’ll see the moon, the stars, and the sunlight All the beauty of the Earth... The trees, the oceans, the mountains, the peaceful valleys You’ll see the entire universe there... It is breathtaking! You’ll see me taking your hand gently... Pulling your trembling body ever so near to mine... Until our hearts beat as one. Holding each other... Caressing each other... Connecting both in flesh and emotion. You have touched my body in a loving embrace... You have touched my heart With your gentle loving manner... You have touched my soul... with your eyes I am lost forever in your eyes! ~Teri ~ Copyright ? Teri Wright 2008. All rights reserved. This poem/story is the intellectual property of the author and her heirs and is not to be copied or reproduced. The sincerity is genuine and transparent. Perhaps you are too close to the emotion? Eyes can indeed reveal most expressively the innermost recesses of one's being. Nothing is more exciting about looking into another's eyes and seeing ONESELF, because if one sees himself in another's eyes, he knows that someone who is his life to him has made his entire being her life as well. Make your words portray all the power and beauty you seek to express. If you switch from focus on your eyes to his, do not go back and forth; do it once, as a "punchline." What is in your eyes when your lover gazes into yours? Surely more than clichés (I am sorry, I do not wish to offend) like the moon, the stars . . . There must be something original--something uniquely YOU. I sense more power in the following lines, but they too need more substance (and fewer words?): Pulling your trembling body ever so near to mine... Until our hearts beat as one. Holding each other... Caressing each other... Connecting both in flesh and emotion. You have touched my body in a loving embrace... You have touched my heart With your gentle loving manner... You have touched my soul... with your eyes I am lost forever in your eyes! How is your soul "touched?" Being "lost in love" is not enough for what you feel, is it? If I have offended you, I genuinely apologize. But I see great potential in this offering; if I did not, I would not take the time to write this response. If you believe me, try this again--with strong metaphors that are yours alone, metaphors that do justice to the beauty you clearly desire to portray. Make your relationship with your love not just an echo of other such relationships, but one that transcends every love you have ever known. I love the simplicity with which you write. In "La Vie en Rose," Edith Piaf said, "Il me dit des mots d'amour, des mots de tous les jours, et ?a me fait quelque chose" ("he says words of love to me, everyday words, and that does something to me"--loses its soul in my translation). Notice that words of love are words we hear every day. In "L'amour, c'est ma chanson" (Love, this is my song, by Charlie Chaplin and Pierre Delano?), the theme reappears: "Ce sont des mots de tous les jours, Pourtant ce sont des mots d'amour " ("These are everyday words, but they are words of love"). You are on the right track: your heart is pure and your words are genuine. Without betraying your sincerity and simplicity, give your words the beauty and uniqueness of your special relationship. If this is a real-time relationship you depict, your lover is truly fortunate. capixaba, hopefully you will see this comment, if so, please go to my profile, and to my 360...I will post the original poem there, any one who wishes to view it is welcome.. thank you.... http://360.yahoo.com/tlw62003 Report It * You must be logged into Answers to add comments. Sign in or Register. Other Answers (5) |