How can I improve this poem?

Question:I am experimenting in free verse. Do you like it? Do you hate it? In what ways do you think I could improve it?

"The Innocence Within"

I stood there, standing at the Edge
searching vainly through the mist.
Have you chosen this?
I see you!
Wading brazenly in the swamp!
While sickly Cypress roots,
white as fleshless hands,
find purchase in the muck, I wonder.
Did you know, when you discarded them,
that the seeds would blossom thus?
Or that their grasping branches
might ensnare the idle dove?
Or how the greedy trees
would wrestle to the ground
and drown them in the mud?
You're drifting. Now you fade!
As if part of the mist.
Saddened, I turn to walk away.
But as I take a step from the Edge.
I feel it follow me.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: I am experimenting in free verse. Do you like it? Do you hate it? In what ways do you think I could improve it?

"The Innocence Within"

I stood there, standing at the Edge
searching vainly through the mist.
Have you chosen this?
I see you!
Wading brazenly in the swamp!
While sickly Cypress roots,
white as fleshless hands,
find purchase in the muck, I wonder.
Did you know, when you discarded them,
that the seeds would blossom thus?
Or that their grasping branches
might ensnare the idle dove?
Or how the greedy trees
would wrestle to the ground
and drown them in the mud?
You're drifting. Now you fade!
As if part of the mist.
Saddened, I turn to walk away.
But as I take a step from the Edge.
I feel it follow me.

I like your line breaks. I think it has a strong conclusion. I like the metaphor of the Edge.

A few comments that you could ignore or use:

You could cut "standing" in L1 seems a bit redundant--it doesn't add anything. I think you get the same economy and flow without it.

L2: "vainly" seems a bit too telling.

L3: I think you could cut this line without losing much.

L5: I'd look for another way than an adverb to express a brazen wading--too telling.

L6: You could cut "While"

L7: You could cut "as"

L8-10: Really good flow nice line breaks hear.

L11: You could cut the "Or"

L13: You could cut "Or" and "the"

L12-15: I like the internal rhyme "ground" and "drown"...I also like how "mud" plays off "dove".

L16: You could cut "You're"

L17: You could cut "As if"

L18: I would rather not be told that N is "Saddened" I would consider cutting it and let it convey in the last three lines.

Again just an excellent ending. I love the entire sequence from Cypress roots to greedy trees. I know there were a lot of word cut suggestions, but hopefully they help even if you disagree with them--by giving you one reader's opinion.

I enjoyed your free verse.

Best,

Todd

Beautifully written. You definitely have a wonderful gift for free verse poetry. I encourage you to continue!

This is actually a very good poem.

I'd replace "or how the greedy trees" with "Oh, how the greedy trees", and put an exclamation point at the end of that stanza (OH HOW THE GREEDY TREES WOULD WRESTLE THEM TO THE GROUND AND DROWN THEM IN THE MUD!); then I would take the exclamation point away from the next line and make it into a statement of simple fact (YOU'RE DRIFTING. NOW YOU FADE,/AS IF PART OF THE MIST.) The last thing I would do is get rid of "saddened" -- generally, in a poem, you want to let the "scenery" of the poem SHOW your feelings, and not actually tell them outright. And your scenery does this very well!

PS: it's a real pleasure to come across a poem of some potential on this site -- thanks for letting us see it.

I would recommend you to include more of your inner feelings or emotions in this poem rather than just telling and expressing. Show us how it feels -how rotten, how hurtful, how scary, how saddening? The intensity of a free verse poem lies in the ability of a poet to portray the emotions behind it, straight deep to the core! Not just the surface.

Since you already state you are standing (stood), you don't need to say it again. You can either shorten the line (I stood there at the edge) or create another image that means the same (I stood there, tiptoes at the edge.)

Also, since you 'stood' (past tense) you need to keep the poem consistent (searching is present) "and searched vainly through the mist.

"Wading brazenly in the swamp" is a hanging line with the end punctuation. Change the ! to a comma.

Make the statement "I wonder" occupy a line of its own. It detracts from the power of the thought when you simply attach it to the end of the line. You want the reader to 'wonder' like the narrator is wondering, which happens when you isolate the line.

And since you are asking rhetorical questions, keep them linked up, especially since you are using the conjunction 'or'. If you want to make them seperate thoughts, reiterate the question for each line like thus:

Did you know, when you discarded them,
that the seeds would blossom thus?
Did you see how their branches
might ensnare the idle dove,
wrestle it to the ground,
drown it in the mud?

Delete the two lines starting "You're drifting...." The line "Saddened, I turned to walk away" already supposes the 'drifting' nature of the narrator. And if you want to link the narrator to the place, there are several ways to do it. You can make their 'drifting' away misty, and thus linked to the place "Saddened, I turned and walked away,/every breath a cloud of mist/that could never allow me to forget."

You could also make the narrator internalize their experience and see it in their actions afterward: "But as I step away from the edge,/the edge follows behind,/each breath a mist that rises from within."

I may not be as worthy as the responders before me but I would leave it as is. Excellent imagery, nice flow and you do get the sense of innocence about to be plucked. Well done.