A Song??????

Question:I took one of my poems and attempted to turn it into a song.
What do you think?
Thanx in advance!
=]

Verse 1
Smiling on the outside
But crying in her heart
Perceiving two different people
You’d never tell them apart

Chorus
Pretending to be happy
Acting like nothing’s wrong
No one sees the girl inside her
Because on the outside she looks strong

Verse 2
Things getting harder each day
As she breaks down inside
Not knowing who to go to
Or where to run and hide

Chorus
Pretending to be happy
Acting like nothing’s wrong
No one sees the girl inside her
Because on the outside she looks strong

Verse 3
Planning on living life to the fullest
All of that getting cut short
As life gets too complicated
Her dreams, she must abort

Chorus
Pretending to be happy
Acting like nothing’s wrong
No one sees the girl inside her
Because on the outside she looks strong

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: I took one of my poems and attempted to turn it into a song.
What do you think?
Thanx in advance!
=]

Verse 1
Smiling on the outside
But crying in her heart
Perceiving two different people
You’d never tell them apart

Chorus
Pretending to be happy
Acting like nothing’s wrong
No one sees the girl inside her
Because on the outside she looks strong

Verse 2
Things getting harder each day
As she breaks down inside
Not knowing who to go to
Or where to run and hide

Chorus
Pretending to be happy
Acting like nothing’s wrong
No one sees the girl inside her
Because on the outside she looks strong

Verse 3
Planning on living life to the fullest
All of that getting cut short
As life gets too complicated
Her dreams, she must abort

Chorus
Pretending to be happy
Acting like nothing’s wrong
No one sees the girl inside her
Because on the outside she looks strong

I agree with Answerer3. It's good work, but the rhyme is at please jarring. If it was only a poem, that would have been perfect, because modern poetry is often all about the broken rhythm of modern life. But since you want to sing it, it needs to be smoother. Can I give some suggestions? You can act as you wish, of course.
verse1- line3: Perceiving doesn't sound very graceful You can make that: 'Seeing two different people' /They're two different people.
Chorus: 'No one sees the girl within her/the girl inside'? & 'Because outside she looks so strong'? You can also do something about the 'Acting like' in the 2nd line.
Verse2: Line 1 I think is one foot short. Make the 'each day' an 'every day'.
Verse3: Line1 a bit too long. How about 'Wishing/Wanting to live life fully' Complicated sounds jarring again- you can make that 'messy/knotty/confusing'. The fourth line is brilliant- it opens up the idea of our dreams as sort of children- you know, creations, and having to abort one's creativity.
Ultimately, a poem depends on hearing. I told you what I felt, final choice should be yours. I suggest you try to sing your poem to a tune and decide for yourself how it sounds.
The subject and treatment is very good.

nice, very nice

I think its beautiful..you have a talent. I also write poems that would fall into the dark or depressed category. I can relate to your poem/song as I am sure many others will as well. Keep writing from the heart...it helps heal the pain that you keep deep inside...it lets the soul cry.

Who cares what we think? Honestly. We're just a bunch of faceless strangers.

That being said. Great Start.

Suggestions:
Try to eliminate some of the words like "Percieving"
It's just not a very graceful sounding word.
Instead something simple like "You See 2 different people" is easier to sing and closer to the way people talk.
which is good for lyrics which are at their best when they are easy to remember imho.

I really like the message of the song. A lot of people could probably recognize a bit of themselves in those lyrics.

However I would add more lyrics to suggest a bit more story. E.g. in vs. 3. "planning on living life to the fullest. all of that getting cut short"... why? why is her life getting cut short?
Don't get too specific but a bit more of a story to visualize will bring the lyrics more emotion.

"Her dreams she must abort"
- I don't care.. just get rid of that line.

Will you be singing this song? I'd love to hear it.

cool....really...
i loved it
...... its cool...keep writing....utilize your talent.

The lyrics are strong but they're only as good as the music, wish I could hear the tune :0).

Edit
In regards to the rhythem, if matches the music, that's all that matters, it's not a poem.

I THINK IT'S PERFECT JUST THE WAY IT IS!!!!

It has an "Emilie Autumn" feel to it, that jagged textural. So what do I think. I think you need to rework the chorus to this or something like this:
Pretend to be happy
Act like nothing's wrong
No one sees the inside girl
On the outside she looks strong

Or you could change some of the lines to something like this:
Pretend it's all happy
Her outside looks so strong
No one sees inside the girl
Where everything is wrong

The first verse could flow a bit better and you may want to give it a polish, for example:
Smile to the outside world
Tears raining from her heart
Two people live inside her
They're tearing her apart

Same thing with second verse, just needs a dressing up and a bit of polishing. The third verse needs a major rehaul. You have all the words to make the idea work but it needs to be condensed into a pattern with better flow. I think it'd work to a multitude of musical scores but my first impression was of " Emilie Autumn" dirge goth choppy sound. Could work to a sad steel guitar country tune as well. Nice job all in all Kiddo, good luck with it.

it's good
i like the bridge after the chorus...good job

that's really good, but I'd avoid using "perceiving". It's a pretty big word compared to the rest of the song.
oh...and be careful putting these up on here, because someone could steal it and claim it for their own.