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Position:Home>Performing Arts> I need to be funny?Question:I am going to be performing a monologue. I am a soldier from WW2 and i'm very upset in the story because I'm thinking of all the loved ones i've lost. The serious stuff i'm OK with, but I need to put a little bit of humour in there. Can anybody think of a WW2 joke that I can add in. Not something with audience paticipation though. Thanks Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: I am going to be performing a monologue. I am a soldier from WW2 and i'm very upset in the story because I'm thinking of all the loved ones i've lost. The serious stuff i'm OK with, but I need to put a little bit of humour in there. Can anybody think of a WW2 joke that I can add in. Not something with audience paticipation though. Thanks Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. One, because he holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him --------------------------------------... Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier? A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it. --------------------------------------... Q: What's the motto of the US Marine Corps? A: Semper Fi (Always Faithful) Q: What's the motto of the French Army? A: Stop, drop, and run! --------------------------------------... Q. Why don't Master Card and Visa work well in France? A. They do not know how to say "CHARGE!" --------------------------------------... Q: What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage? A: Their armpits. --------------------------------------... Q: What’s the difference between a Frenchman and a bucket of crap? A: The bucket --------------------------------------... The recent tremors felt throughout France have been attributed to the fifty six thousand+ WWI & WWII U.S. soldiers spinning in their graves. --------------------------------------... Q: Why do the French people seem so hell bent on kissing Jacques Chirac's ***? A: Because the French, in general are less sensitive to bad smells and certainly more tolerant of bitter flavors!! --------------------------------------... Q: What do you call a French man killed defending his country? A: I don't know either, its never happened! --------------------------------------... Q: What Does "Maginot Line" mean in French? A: "Speed bump ahead" --------------------------------------... Q: What’s the new French flag look like? A: A white cross emblazoned on a white background! --------------------------------------... Q: Why did the Post Office have to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen? A: People were confused about which side to spit on. --------------------------------------... Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to shingle a roof? A: 3 if you slice them thin enough. --------------------------------------... Famous quotes about the French: "I just love the French. They taste like chicken!" ---- Hannibal Lecter "France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." ---Mark Twain "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton "The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." --- P.J O'Rourke (1989) --------------------------------------... Q: What is the difference between American fries and French fries? A: Courage!! --------------------------------------... Member nations of the UN gathered for an annual Meeting of technological advancement reports. The United States ambassador stood and proudly announced, "We have developed a space craft that can fly directly into the sun!" The crowd was shocked murmurs and exclamations of "How could this be!" were heard. His assistant quickly handed him a sheet of paper, he coughed and then addressed the audience, "I'm sorry, actually, our new space craft can only fly 3 centimeters below the sun." The Japanese ambassador stood next and told the gathering, "Our Japanese scientists have invented a midget submarine that can touch the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean." Again, shock and disbelief rang through the great meeting hall. An assistant jumped up and whispered in the Japanese Ambassador's ear. He bowed deeply and said, "My deepest apologies, forgive my mistake. Our new submarine can only reach 3 centimeters above the deepest part of the ocean." It was now the French ambassador's turn to make announcement of France's contribution. He stood and looked around, "We in France have been able to develop people that can eat with their noses!" Now the UN meeting as in shock and visible horror that France would play with genetic engineering. "Actually, they eat only 3 centimeters below their noses." --------------------------------------... Q: You are approached by three men while walking down a dark city street. One British, one American, one French. They all seem intent on mugging you. However, you have a gun, but alas, only two bullets. What do you do? A: Shoot the Frenchman twice. Good day! --------------------------------------... Why don't the French really want the US to attack Iraq? Don't want their record for surrender broken. --------------------------------------... Why did the French send Lady Liberty to America? A. They had no use for her anyway B. They didn't want the tired, poor, huddled masses to come to France for God's sake. C. She wouldn't put out D. To be a constant reminder of the help they gave to defeat the British. As if WE'RE the ones with the short memory. E. They wanted to remind future generations that they once had the balls to do what is right. F. All of the above --------------------------------------... Q: Why do French people always wear yellow? A: To match the color of their blood! --------------------------------------... Q: What's the easiest way to get lung cancer? A: Breath the air in Paris! --------------------------------------... Q: Why does every army (except the U.S., England and Israel) have to have a French flag? A: In case they want to surrender! --------------------------------------... Q: Why did the Statue of Liberty take karate? A: She wanted to be the first French person to be able to defend herself! --------------------------------------... Also some sickening but true information came my way about the French. In French text books the U.S. in WWII is only 1 paragraph of information and worst of all D-day isn't mentioned at all!!! --------------------------------------... This is a true story: I was up at a collage campus and this girl from France is working at the desk of the bookstore and I asked her if she lived in the French domitories she said "no I came to the U.S. to get away from them". Then I said "well then I guess your not going back after your done". Then she said "do you think I'm stupid, I'd never go back there it smells." --------------------------------------... During one of the many wars that the French and the British fought and the French usually lost, the French just happened to capture a British Major. An officer brought the Major to the French general for interrogation. The French general began ridiculing the Major for wearing "that stupid red tunic." The French general said, "Why to you wear that red uniform, it makes it easy for us to shoot you." The British major replied, "If I do get wounded, the blood will not show, and my soldiers will not get scared." The French general said, "That is a very good idea," The Frenchy turned to his orderly and said, "From now on all French officers will wear brown pants." --------------------------------------... Q: Why do the French never perform “the wave” at a soccer game? A: Because, that’s a gesture reserved for use only in time of war. --------------------------------------... Q: What does a French military alliance and a French romance have in common? A: Both are brief, sordid, and completely meaningless. --------------------------------------... Q; How does a Frenchman hold his liquor? A: by the ears... --------------------------------------... "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." Jacques Chirac, President of France. "As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh --------------------------------------... "They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." -- Argus Hamilton --------------------------------------... "The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq." -- Dennis Miller ------------------------- why not contact someone in the WWII legion hall in your town and ask for a funny story. |