Here is my opening happy poem for Sunday. Comments are always welcome. ????

Question:

Here is my opening happy poem for Sunday. Comments are always welcome. ????

time

Time is passes much too slow,
I watch my veins, blood does flow.
How I like to see it spill,
Watching it gives me a thrill.

Cutting down across my wrist,
I give the Butcher knife a twist.
Blood spurts out across the floor,
The knife I throw, sticks in the door.

All the pain, at night I shake,
Nightmares make me stay awake.
I've seen things no one should see,
They've made me what I've come to be.

Another slash, another scar,
will I wish upon a star?
Head is light, feeling queasy,
Ending life can't be thhis easy.

Trying hard to stay awake,
Thinking hard, what's at stake?
Will I even be remembered?
Wish my body were dismembered.

This is a rewrite of a poem originally called Paradise. I hope you enjoy it

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: This is really deep, and it's understandable too.
Most ryming poems sound cheesy, but this one doesn't.
I love your poems.
There's one thing about it that I didn't exactly like. The ending. It was too.....hmmmm......too much like you're looking for something to ryme with remembered.
how about
"Will I even be remembered?"
will something like this be heard?

or something deeper.....
It's great though. Keep it up, you're a great artist.
I admire your style and details.
As I admire you too.