Will you give me some comments on my short story please?

Question:

Will you give me some comments on my short story please?

Adrianna stepped into the brightly lit room. She felt foolish, blinking in the bright lights like a mole. She heard someone call her name. She squinted, still waiting for her eyes to adjust. She heard her name again, this time it came from a closer source. Whoever it was, they were approaching her. She panicked, not wanting anyone to see her blinking like a fool. Her eyes were streaming as she quickly made her way back towards the exit. She hated herself now for the long days she had just spent in her dark room in the lowest level of the house. A hand grabbed her shoulder, and her tormenter spun her around.
??Well, look who finally decided to rejoin the world!?? Sam shouted, making her wince. Now, even though she was still blinded, she knew that every eye in the room was now on her.
??Don??t shout so loud,?? she muttered, looking at the dark outlines of people moving in on her.
??I??m not shouting,?? her brother protested, ??And, besides, we can??t help it if you chose to shut yourself up in the basement working all of those days.?? he grabbed her shoulders and roughly pushed her out of the room, and to her relief, away from all of her family. ??What have you been doing down there??? he said coldly, sending shivers up her spine.
??Nothing,?? she replied nervously. He moved to shake her again, but Adrianna pulled herself away and ran back down to the safety and solace of her basement library.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Before I start, I'll warn you - I might overdo this, but I can get a bit picky...just to warn you. I also might be a bit blunt - sorry if I offend you.

In the first few sentences, you use "she" a lot - try using her name a few more times, or something...(I know, that's not too much help, sorry)

Also, your sentences are a bit choppy - try putting them together (for example, "She heard someone call her name, and squinted, still waiting for her eyes to adjust.")

Now that I'm done with the bigger things, there are a few little things that I would change - of course, this is your story, and how you write is going to be different from how others write...so you might want to ignore these next few things)

When you say "She heard her name again, this time it came from a closer source", it sounds almost as if you dropped a period, or hit the comma key insted of the period key. If you meant to write it as one sentence, try dropping "it came" from the sentence - it'll flow better.

Really, other than that, it's a great story - sure, there may be a few typos, but on the whole, it's awesome! It's a little short for my taste (this coming from someone who finds it impossible to end a story, and therefore makes it way too long...), but I rather like it. Keep it up!

From one author to another, you've got talent - it's a great idea, and I'd like to read more of your stories, if possible.