Poem:"Do you know me?"?
Opinions welcomed thanks
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I'm the one who kissed your tears away, the one who when everyone leaves I stay. I'm the one who cleaned up your mess,the one who helped you relieve some stress.I'm the one who lost sleep,staying on the phone with you conversation deep.I'm the one who got lost in the dark,looking for you in the wilderness park.I'm the one who cried when you let me in,and the one who cried when you shut me out.I'm the one who prays for you,stays for you and pays for you. I am the one who lets you inside,anytime you wanna run and hide. I am the one who shares with you my bed,I let you in my heart and in my head. I'm the one you hurt last night after we had that nasty fight.You said things out of anger and spite. So I ran away but I bumped my head,fell into a coma and nearly dead. You were at my bedside begging me to awake,you said you were sorry and that you made a mistake. You said you can't sleep at night without my sweet caress,and there's no one to clean up your mess,no one to relieve your stress.Do you know me? I am the one you took for granted,now you're at my mercy.You can't sleep,you can't eat,you can't breathe,you can't **** and you can't get me out of your ******* mind,you can't think straight.You can't walk without falling,you can't talk without balling.Do you know me? I'm the one you should've never fucked with.Now go cry in your coffee and stop getting my blankets wet.
I like it but I also agree with Anna Lynn (I hope I got the name right) that you need to arrange the thoughts in such a way as to allow them to resonate. The alliteration is very affective and you get a lot of information across.
If there is something I would quibble about it's the ending. I'm not suggesting that you change the thrust, only the way you express it. Very often the most powerful communication is indirectly expressed rather than just put out there as it is now ................ it's hard to get across ..... I hope this helps. Keep working ..................