Last time everyone: Please give me your opinion of my finished poem!?

Question:

Last time everyone: Please give me your opinion of my finished poem!?

Please no Sucking up, just your honest opinion! This is the final draft!

Frost

The autumn frost shields the morning sun,
glistening fragments of ice
cover the ground.
darkness.

My thoughts swirl and buzz
??Seven wounded and twenty-four dead,??
squawks the radio.
I stare at the floor, the world spins around me.
war.

I grab my sister??s tiny hand, pulling her toward the lake
The beauty of the water can not be seen
under the thin sheet of ice
but she reaches for it anyway.

She begins to play in the frost,
forming lines
then letters.
the letters form a word,
and the word is beautiful.

PEACE

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: I think you have a lovely thing there. It reminds me of the 60's. I never knew a time we were not at war in Viet Nam. I remember Paul Harvey telling us every day, "And the war goes on".
I can understand your sentiments. You speak to my heart.

Let me try this, ok?

the autumn frost reflects the morning sun
glistening fragments of ice
cover the ground
darkness

My spirit groans and trembles
seven wounded and twenty four dead
says the radio
I stare at the floor, the world spins me round
war

I take my sisters tiny hand, pulling her to the lake
The beauty of the water can't be seen
under the thin sheet of ice
but she reaches for it

She begins to play in the frost
forming lines
and letters
the letters form a word
And the word is beautiful

PEACE

I love the minimalism of your poem.

I think this softens and focuses and minimalizes it just a bit more.

swirl, buzz and squawk and grab don't seem to fit for me.

I don't feel the same about shielding in your first line. Reflecting denotes a mood more in fitting with your introspection.

The juxtapositioning between the reflecting sun and the darkness from the radio message is compelling.

Now, tell me what you think, ok?

You did the hard work, all I did was tweak it.

You get a star sweetie! Very, very nice!