IF you are really bored and have time why don't you critique my short story for

Question:

IF you are really bored and have time why don't you critique my short story for me?

http://www.storiesmania.net/community/sh...

Just need some fresh opinions on it.

Additional Details

5 days ago
I realize the theme is common, but actually every plot possible is taken, there are only new twists that you can take on them. That is something I learned in school. In this case, I do agree that the whole thing is fairly used... but this story was only meant to be a practice story. I am mainly only concerned on whether I am getting the writing part correct, and not so much the story (at least with this one).

5 days ago
So so far the concensus is too many details, and too much description at the end?

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: 5 days ago
I realize the theme is common, but actually every plot possible is taken, there are only new twists that you can take on them. That is something I learned in school. In this case, I do agree that the whole thing is fairly used... but this story was only meant to be a practice story. I am mainly only concerned on whether I am getting the writing part correct, and not so much the story (at least with this one).