Good? i kno i can do better but....?

Question:

Good? i kno i can do better but....?

Cupid

I know I dissapointed
you before

But now I'm asking
you to draw back your bow
and really let me know
what love is

Then he did
he shot me
I had an arrow in my back
I wanted the love attack
that I felt last time he drew it back

I didn't feel anything
Then I realized
I didn't need you to draw it back
I had the true love attack
that I didn't feel last time you drew it back

Sorry Cupid
you just wasted an arrow

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Poe revised "The Raven" for four years before he was satisfied with it. You are truly a poet after my own heart. I'm never really finished revising--every time I read one of my own poems, I find some thing that needs tweaking.

I LIKE the last line, and while we should always pay attention to the sonic values at the end of each line, rhyming is way overrated; rhyming anything with "stupid" comes across as juvenile. Perhaps you should change the "he" to "you" in lines 7 and 8 to match the rest of the poem? (I love the allusion to Hendix's "Hey Joe;" did anyone else notice? It adds a note of dark humor to the underglaze.)

Read this aloud. Act it out. That's often the best way to hear what's working, where it flows, and whether there are any sonic roots that you are tripping over.

Keep going. This is a cool idea, and it'll be worth the work.