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Position:Home>General - Arts & Humanities > Short Story?Question: Short Story?I need some help in editing my story. This is only the first four paragraphs, and there will be more, I just haven't had time to write any. I would enjoy CONSTRUCTIVE criticism please. And do try to remember I'm only and 8th grader and wrote this in the computer lab when I was bored. Any help you wish to give will be greatly appreciated. Thanks! And does anyone know another word meaning loneliness that would fit in the last sentence? Once, a long time ago, there was a mouse named Philbert. He was the teeniest, tiniest, most minuscule mouse there ever had been. He looked like a little coffee ground, with his chocolate colored fur. His voice was so high and he talked so fast, it sounded like a piccolo playing rapid 16th notes. He was lonely, because none of the other mice could understand his speech, so they all either ignored him or made fun of him. It was hard for him to be so rejected, because all he wanted was a friend. He didn’t even have parents to love him, because he was an orphan. Every day Philbert went on a walk, because he loved to hear the birds sing. He wished that his voice could sound like the birds, because everyone loved to hear them sing. What he didn’t understand was why they loved to hear the birds sing, though they couldn’t understand what they were singing, and they just cast him off for the same reason. As he was pondering this thought, he heard a large hawk’s call. He quickly snapped back into reality and zig-zagged through the trees, trying to elude the great brown predator. He suddenly jerked to the left and ducked into a fallen log for safety. He heard the hawk screech in defeat as it flew away. As he hurried back home, he thought about that close encounter, and how happy the other mice would be if he had been eaten. “I’m just another space taken up, nothing more to them!” he cried out to himself as he settled into his bed. Once again, he cried himself to sleep as he thought of the birds, and how everyone loved them. As he woke up the next morning, alone and crying once more, he had an idea. Maybe if he learned how to sound like the birds, then the other mice would love him. As he was contemplating this idea, he heard a knock at his door. “Wonder who that could be” he thought, “no one ever comes to see me.” As he walked to the door, trying to imagine who would want to see him, the door burst open, to reveal that the no one had been knocking, but the young mice had been throwing stones. As they erupted into the room, with sticks and stones ready to attack him with, they abruptly stopped. While Philbert was trying to get under his bed to protect himself from his assailants, the Head Mouse stepped into his house, which was bursting at the seams by then. “Leave, young mice. Go home to your parents, and be thankful you have them.” He ordered, Philbert almost crying in a mix of relief and longing, aching for the parents he never knew. Even though he knew the Head Mouse was trying to get the young mice to have sympathy for him, it only made his loneliness more noticeable, not only to him, but to the Head Mouse himself. “Come with me, little Philbert, we have much to talk about.” As Philbert stood up to follow his order, he noticed that the old mouse had a tear running down his cheek, as if he somehow understood Philbert’s loneliness. Additional Details 18 hours ago Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: 18 hours ago I meant with spelling, grammar, and the basics. I don't need any ideas to write the story as. I have the story planned out in a notebook. I just wanted somebody other that my biased friends to give me their opinion. No offense but if someone help you edit this, you're going to pass their ideas off as your own and that's plagarism. The best way to get some help is by asking a teacher or something. They can't take your ideas. Just read it over and over again your think of something! I can't help you im in 6th grade sorry! my bad! I'm not good at story's anyway! Good Luck! xxx |