Question:
Opinions on poem?
An ocean begins to form in front of me
drop by drop it expands
it grows
the lines start to run
faster and faster towards the finish line that is my penstroke
A soliloquy of laughter
heard only by the frightened inner child - an audience
A smile crosses his reflection in the salt water pool
The soliloquy that is my laughter cuts out.
The crowd that are those I chose to surround myself with
chime in.
Invisible voices pounding 'gainst my head
I yell stop
Back to soliloquy.
My paper's been destroyed.
Converted with the writer's tears from not-so-blank canvas
to a blot of unreadable writing
to a blot of ink in an ever-growing puddle of tears.
I see myself in the salt water pool cumulating on my desk;
Just me
Yelling stop
In a soliloquy.
Constructive critisism please. I'll take it back and rewrite when I've gotten some.
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Excellent imagery. I would reformulate the way it is presented, though. The longer lines, I think, coupled with shorter lines, are harder to soak in... For instance:
An ocean begins to form in front of me
drop by drop it expands
it grows
the lines start to run
faster and faster towards the finish line
That is my penstroke
A soliloquy of laughter
heard only by the frightened inner child -
An audience
A smile crosses his reflection in the salt water pool
The soliloquy that is my laughter cuts out.
The crowd that are those I chose to surround myself with
chime in.
Invisible voices
Pounding against my head
I yell stop
Back to soliloquy.
My paper's been destroyed.
Converted with the writer's tears
From not-so-blank canvas
to a blot of unreadable writing
to a blot of ink in an ever-growing puddle of tears.
I see myself in the salt water pool
Accumulating on my desk;
Just me
Yelling stop
In a soliloquy.