Help much!! i need YOUR opinion....whatcha' think?

Question:

Help much!! i need YOUR opinion....whatcha' think?

okay so i got this poem and i need CONSTRUCTIVE critism ONLY :D okay i got this much but im NOT done i have to edit it.

lost in memories of our laughter
making an orchestra of love,

heartbeat to heartbeat, they were one.
the sweet perfection is lost only to be seen in fragments of this shattered heart,

thinking of what could be,
I'm forgotten, and your lost,

need some closure but seeing you makes it an open wound,
some one to kiss them away,
you just always get in the way,
in the search for another a brighter day.

okay maybe its just a little to cliche but what do you think?

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

You may want to adjust the meter length so it flows better. Also, some ideas can be stated more clearly with an allusion, which can also give your poem deeper meaning. Generally a poem should have more than one "tone" to it. There is the surface concept that fits the individual situation of the poet or "speaker" and there is another, deeper and more subtle, layer that relates to all people. This helps people to connect to the poem as it seems to be about THEM.

The only other point is that you have no rhyme scheme until the last 3 lines. They don't seem to fit because of this. Try either giving the rest of the poem a rhyme pattern or eliminating the -ay set.