Question:
Criticism for my poem; A peaceful day in my room?
my window is shattering , snowflakes are wondering .
my eyes are tracing the empty dark corners of the ceil where candle light cant spread its loneliness
I try to hold my memory wanting to go back to the lovely days , the words and kisses with my love , Aselia.
running through the woods I told her
my love is stronger than this forest
Her laughing echoes still in this room without her.
Shattering sounds of the pale window , flickering danse of the candle flames.
Here i am , the peaceful day in my room.
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Yes, strengthen the metaphor use. Add more descriptive words so that we understand that the window represents your heart, the darkened ceiling represents memories of her, the light represents the realization that she's gone and the snow/outside represents her death/separation.
You want to go back to her, not the lovely days she is a metaphor for good times. Words and kisses are not romantic. "Sensual whispers under green spring blankets" and "Our crimson lips intertwined as we bathed in Forrest beams" is romantic.
Describe the window as glass then later describe your heart as shattered with "gentle kisses of frozen death sting the panes of my broken heart" or something like that.