Question:
Hey!! will you please comment on my poems..!!?
i'll just show you the first stanzas of my poems ok??? please comment...
"Retrospect"
Every oak was once a seed, all helpless and ignorant
Every sword was once a junk, all rusted and blunt
But in the seed the sower saw hope,and with toil he planted
For days the blacksmith pounded, the metal all corroded
here's another one...
"Good Night Mademoiselle Esguerra"
And with cheeks so soft, like a feather from a swan
And lips as hot, as chilly as the winter sun
And hair as black as a starless moonless night sky
And beauty like a hypnotist's curse with the blink of an eye
A young lady sleeps tonight...
Please comment!!!
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Good potential !
Write, review and rewrite sometimes. Check for the hidden music.
" Good Night Mademoiselle Esguerra" has sort of a contradiction in, "And lips as hot, as chilly as the winter sun".
Try ,"And lips as hot as the Winter sun". I might drop the And with, in front of cheeks, also the And, in front of hair and beautiful.
One " and" to tie your thoughts together is sufficient. Its understood that these are all her attributes.
Don't misunderstand, keep up the work, You have talent.
As for the first one, maybe the choice of the word "junk" could be improved upon.