Position:Home>General - Arts & Humanities > Please rate my poem from 1-10?

Please rate my poem from 1-10?

So Clean and So Young


Stagger down moonlit Willis Street
Patent leather spikes snagging in the crumbling asphalt
Collapse
Dizzy eyes are veiled by flickering lids
Head lolls back onto the silent pavement

Remember Christina
Suede and alabaster hands smooth a linen dress
Ice and ancient eyes glance away with somber sighs
Disapproval
Thin lips part

??Stop, little girl
Take time to smell the porch lights turning on
The rain dissolving paint on wooden houses
Breathe the way the would-be-junkies do
When getting blisters from holding hands too tight
Secrets too close
Love too dear??

Eyes flash
Eight thousand pear blossoms shower down upon a sorry face
Like kisses from thin lips, littering the moonlit pavement

3 months ago
Please be tough on me.

3 months ago
I'm thirteen

I'd say it sounds a little incomplete. The images are great, but somehow the ordering of thoughts and the expressions bespeak an incomplete idea. The end three lines express the wish but not exactly, and they don't quite open the dream to us. The girl sounds like a young prostitute or heroin addict walking the streets near sunrise (your description of the street and houses is GREAT! Makes me wonder where Willis Street is...). She remembers the disapproval of an older person who she perceives as having an icy glare. She imagines the blossoms as a sort of acceptance or perception of purification, wherein she receives the benediction of the disapproving. It is very well done in descriptiveness, but needs more organization and coherence of idea I think. My favorite line: Take time to smell the porch lights turning on (really evocative of the synesthesia associated with a twilight or drug-induced awareness!) I'd give it 7 of 10 for the sheer taste of the words and phrases. But it seriously needs work in organization of ideas.