Rate my poem please?

Question:

Rate my poem please?

ok heres my poem:

it only took just once
for me to get addicted
it only took just once
for me to ruin my life
it only took just once
for me to feel rejected
it only took just once
to think about suicide

it only took just once
for me to get pregnant
it only took just once
for me to ruin my life
it only took just once
for my life to become flagrant
it only took just once
to grab that kitchen knife

it only took just once
to get in that car drunk
it only took just once
to ruin that girls life
it only took just once
to get my mind that sunk
it only took just once
to feel like i want to die.

its about ppl who want to kill themselves over mistakes they made. please be honest.

Additional Details

3 months ago
i wanted it to rhyme and have a sort of rhythm.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

After reading the poem aloud to myself - I see how nicely the repetitive lines define the cadence of the poem. The only suggestion I have would be to rework 2 lines.

LINE 14 - I suggest you change "for my life to become flagrant" which doesn't flow as well as the rest of the poem. Even just looking at the poem, you can see that line just doesn't fit with the poem. However, since "flagrant" rhymes with "pregnant", it's a good word to use, especially since the definition is appropriate for the content of your poem. Try rewording the line to get 6 beats instead of 8.

LINE 22 - I suggest you change "to get my mind that sunk" because it seems grammatically out of place compared to the other lines in your poem. Perhaps something like "to find my mind has sunk".

This poem is an interesting commentary on self-destructive thoughts and behaviours and how easy it is to fall into them.

Thank you for letting us provide feedback on your poem. I know you asked for a rating instead of a critique, so out of 1 - 10 with 10 being the best... As it stands right now, I would rate it a 7. It's a good poem and it will only get better with more editing. I'd like to see it again when it's all done.

You're doing great, it's obvious you have talent ....just keep writing!