I need somone to read my poem and see if it i ok?

Question:

I need somone to read my poem and see if it i ok?

my poem is a lyric thats espresses my feelings toward my neiborhood it goes "Singing and dancing everywhere everything everywhere looks so fare. Everyday and everynight things of glory and of fright. Love around a corner and death around another. things un seen and things unsaid this is what my neihborhood has said." any suggestions

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

im a person who likes to write poems, especially to gurls, i think you should change "death around another", it is cool to be in the poem but a poem that expressing feelings is not a place for that kind of line, i think you may put more so that she will be more caught in reading but that short poem is ok already but if you can put more flattery words and phrases, then it would be better but for me, your poem is ok, its good but not great...try experimenting, you will get a better result if you try trial and error and that if you try and try again until you are satisfied....gudluk with expressing those feelings...