Humorous ideas for this paragraph?

Question:

Humorous ideas for this paragraph?

The best things in life are free- usually. However, due to a shortage and inflation the price has been augmented to 3.09 a gallon. Also, cloud nine will be closed for repairs again this Thursday. Sorry for the inconvenience. Thank you and have a nice day.

Additional Details

2 months ago
Just like ideas to make it longer and more interesting.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

In other news...

The "birds & the bees" are using birth control...
A "bird in the hand" is now only worth only 1.16 in the bush...
And Popeye the Sailor now says...
"I am what my retirement portfolio says I am..."

There's no doubt...
Cliche inflation is on the rise...
Which means we'll have more depressed "Phils of the Future" in the near future...