Do you like my (revised) poem, "Symphony"? (the last line was missing

Question:

Do you like my (revised) poem, "Symphony"? (the last line was missing the word "in")?

We are notes veiled within a symphony

Breaking faster than we can heal

We are waves deluded by our crashing

Shivering leaves on trees of steel

Slain by awe

Divided by adhesion

A cosmic dust storm within a tiny glass globe

Two drops of water that became an ocean

A royal bloodline cloaked in beggar??s robes

⩁B07

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

Take the spaces between the lines out. It is obnoxious!

I like the thoughtfulness in this poem! It is not entirely cliche though it verges on it (eh), and it is definately not straightforward (yay!).

"We are notes veiled within a symphony
Breaking faster than we can heal."
That must be a pretty awful sounding symphony that they cannot play the notes correctly!

"We are waves deluded by our crashing,
Shivering leaves on trees of steel,"
We confuse ourselves. We are a small part of the bigger picture. We are weaker than the whole.

"Slain by awe,
Divided by adhesion"
I don't like those lines. Take them out!

"A cosmic dust storm within a tiny glass globe
Two drops of water that became an ocean"
Good metaphor and image here, of the snowglobe.

"A royal bloodline cloaked in beggar??s robes"
You need something more. It ends kind of suddenly. And it goes from mostly comparisons to nature, to one about status in society. Maybe stick an overall conclusion there.
"We are royal blood cloaked in beggar's robes.
We are more significant than our broken bodies can comprehend."