Question:
What do you thank?
Go Away
Constant insults
Burning my soul
The words, Like a knife
Piercing my heart
My eyes are open
Your lost in my mind
No matter what you say
You could never save face
I am lost in your comments
I can??t look away
The pain keeps growing
Why can??t you just go away
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Sorry, it doesn't do much for me, and I'll tell you why.
Terms like "my soul" and "the pain" are very general. You need to be much more specific and use more nouns. T.S. Eliot called this the "objective correllative," the reality that broad wispy ideas can be communicated in a meaningful way only by being made particular. Transcendent concepts like "Your lost in my mind" need to be sharpened and narrowed down. Honestly, I'm not sure what that even means; is the addressee wandering labrynthine corridors in the speaker's brain and forgot to leave a trail of bread crumbs?
William Carlos Williams said, "No ideas but in things." Eternal verities like love, hate, passion, and pain can only be described in meaningful ways by being as specific and personal as possible. Simply saying "Why can't you just go away" is less powerful than, for example, "Whenever you walk through the door I feel ants and saltpeter in my boxer shorts."
I know, the classic poets like Shakespeare and Raleigh and Sidney were very general. You're right if that's what you're thinking. But they were also very prolific in their generality, and they used up all the really cool, expressive ways to express eternal verities in broad, amorphous terms. You are not writing in the Elizabethan era; you need to break new ground as an artist. And the way you break new ground is by being specific. Otherwise you're just writing greeting card verse—or, considering the tone of your poem, perhaps GRATING card verse ;P.
It's plain the feelings in your poem are very deeply felt. Somebody stirred up strone emotions in you, and you felt the need to translate those emotions into words. That's good. Now you need to make those words specific, precise, and cutting. Only then will your feelings be given their due, and only then will you acheive your potential as a poet.