Question:
My second poem? Please read and comment.?
A little girl,
once loud and wide,
and through her days,
filled with joy.
One little flaw,
that sent her down.
Depths of her wounds,
that not one knows.
All happiness,
drained from her eyes,
she sends shivers,
down one's spine.
You could see,
the emptiness in her eyes,
one she struggles real hard,
to hide.
But in vain,
her efforts became,
and she loses,
all control.
One more day,
one other lie,
liveing life in wastelessness,
struggling to keep sane.
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The image of "little girl" is completely inconsistent with the struggle to deal with bi-polarism your poem suggests.
Little girls do not grasp a "life of wastelessness" because they still possess inherent optimism and playfulness. this is because they still have drops of imagination and hope in their heads even if they have had a hard upbringing.
Change the lead character to a struggling teenager who paints a magazine smile on every day and purges in the bathroom and you have a good poem for the masses.
Your talent is growing and beginning to shine through. Keep at it as the world today has a terribly inadequate number of poets to remind us to find our souls and save our humanity.
Also, the tone, rhythm, flow of your poem lends itself to lyrics in a song. Hook up with a fellow musician who is developing their abilities and you could be on to something very big here.
Roger Waters would see the potential in this song immediately.