Question:
What do you tink of this poem i wrote recently?
Dad
a word with two minds
two hearts, two feelings
two thoughts, two expressions
two d's two muses
happiness and anger
resent and good will
i love you i hate you
i miss you, i want you to leave
hold me, leave me
love me, let me be
two tears, two rhyme
two poems, two emotions
two knives in my back
dad
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
You asked me to check out your latest question and give you some feedback, so here you go:
Overall, I really liked it. I get the feeling and message out of it. However, it's rather redundant and its grammar could be improved.
in the sentence "two d's two muses", perhaps change "muses" to "musings" or something else that ends in "-ings" so it flows better.
the line "i miss you, i want you to leave,", i would suggest taking out "i want you t leave," and maybe having the line read, "i miss you until- you"
maybe alter:
"hold me, leave me
love me, let me be"
to:
"hold me, you love me
or leave me and run,"
the ending "two tears, two rhyme two poems two emotions two knives in my back dad" is rather slow ending... maybe edit & revise that and see what you can come up with.
Overall, great idea, i can tell it relates to something you have experienced in life, and it just needs to be polished up a bit.
Good luck with your poetry and remember my suggestions are suggestions only, it's your poem, you decide what works and what doesn't. Don't let any one else influence your opinion of your poetry, keep at it. You've got a flair for writing poetry.