Question:
Seeking poem 'props' -or- 'nots'....?
Greetings Q&A'ers.. This is my inaugural "Q" session, and am looking to sanction the writers block that seems to have taken up residence in my brain. I ask for your [don't candy coat a damn thing..] Honest Opinion(s); maybe your feedback will nourish my naughty neurotransmitters.
;)
INTER-SOUL
Collar & nun our story before
Transcendent the journey we are to explore
Raise your wings and straighten your line
A measure into auspicious time
Come pull, come prod the old and gray
Past the rivers of still and fray
Fear has delivered its bite and blood
And now he rests, deep so the mud
Our clasp was broken thru angst and treachery
Hands now joined through light and bravery
Souls they dance and sing aloud
Feasting on waves of love enshroud
Tell me stories, tell me dreams
Tell me what, your soul-speak brings
Trust in it, all??s well - the night
A kingdom emerges and shines so bright.
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I've read a lot of poems on Q!A, including three of yours. This one is probably the most fascinating yet.
Now you have to understand what high praise that is. For generally speaking, I prefer free verse to rhymed couplets. (Most poets, even some of the best, force rhymes.)
And, among contemporary poets, I generally prefer those that are the most direct and accessible, such as Billy Collins and Ted Kooser, not (like this one) oblique and puzzling.
So you see, you caught my attention when I didn't expect to be caught.
By far the best of your four quatrains is the second one. The imagery is fresh and stimulating: esp., "the rivers of still and fray," "Fear has delivered its bite and blood," "deep so the mud." It also is very effective in its use of alliteration and consonance. (I still think poetry is more effective when it is enriched by those subtler sounds than regular rhyme schemes, but you have to go your own way.)
The last quatrain effects a really strong closure: the repetition of "tell me," the half rhyme of "dreams" and "brings" (well, remember, I don't much like regular rhyme, but . . .), the concluding couplet with its punch and sense of confidence and hope, even the comma dividing the second line unexpectedly.
Now, I must admit that I don't think the third quatrain lives up to the level of the others: the imagery is ordinary, almost trite (souls dancing and singing and feasting, "love enshroud"--we've heard all that many times before); the reliance on abstractions, like treachery and bravery; with the rhyming of "aloud" and "enshroud" and the syntax seeming a bit more forced than the others.
I don't think you'll get the Walt Whitman Award, but I'll keep giving this poem some thought. That's what good poetry does. It keeps bringing us back, provoking thought.
OK, I'm one of the fish you caught, I guess. So I'll "straighten my line," "past the rivers," resting in "deep so the mud."
Cheers! Hope these comments help. Wish you had gotten more.
Maybe you might consider straightening your lines just a bit, and not relying too heavily on those bam-bam-bam rhymes, but just keep up the work.