Question:
What do you think of my poem below?
Detention
a clock ticks while dust falls
and time doesn't care, can't care
and nor do those who left in the sweet hurry scuffle of home time
only I, pondering, alone
mental wandering, alone, care
detained again - and for what purpose?
detained again - for the same old reason...
for the want of freedom, given captivity,
seemingly pointless captivity
the summer sun - bleak from in here, inside the old room -
no lights on, no sound, just dust and emptiness
the summer sun reveals a sharp line of dust
and beauty is for a moment captured
captured like the faded coloured card of yesterdays art
yesterdays dreams, and fun and passion
sad, lonely detention
ever bleak, longing not to be here, alone
but more than alone, alone with the feeling of being left behind
abandoned, disregarded
a clock ticks and dust falls
how dare I be free?
ah, sweet insolent quest for freedom earned me this:
the right to think independently in this school
a clock ticks and dust falls...I win
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
A bit pretentious . Seems you are too concerned with trying to be poetic .
You dealt nicely with the subject . I liked the tone .
" A clock ticks , dust falls " is an effective line .
Share again , please .