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Okay, I finally got all the first chapters online!.!.!.!?
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
There was some confusion when I tried to post it earlier, thanks to the wonky formatting on Y!A!.!.!.
The Inisbral Cycle:http://storywrite!.com/story/271482
This is only the first portion of what I have, but I'm trying to edit through it section by section now!. Thank you to everyone who brainstormed/free-associated with me last night!Www@QuestionHome@Com
"laying upon" sounds a bit contrite and "egg-laying"!. I would rather use "lying on"
"brought out an assortment of surgical instruments" would be better as
"took out an assortment of surgical instruments"
"Old Annie gave her a withering look that said she clearly thought Adelia was an idiot" - idiot is a bit too harsh of a tone and withering look sounds like you are overusing descriptives!. You have already written "“Gods, woman, what are those for!?” She gasped, horrified!." so there is no need to emphasise the obvious!. delete the idiot sentence altogether!.
"Well, fine by me, if you know a better way to get a baby outta a dead woman’s womb, but if you know it, you’d best tell me now!.” would be better as "Well, fine by me, if you know a better way to get a baby outta a dead woman’s womb,you’d best tell me now!.”
"old herbalist was right, of course; Kenna was dead" the semi-colon is not right here!. Use a full stop instead!. "old herbalist was right, of course!. Kenna was dead"
"babe" Yeh, I know Adelia is old-school but it just doesn't sound good unless she actually says it!. Use "baby" instead!.
"Old Annie!?" I know what you are trying to do but in this context it doesn't quite fit Just use "Annie" !."Old Annie" is okay for the narrator or can be used later when Adelia is making fun of Annie like -
Adelia says, mockingly "Old Annie is so old that even Moses knew her, really!"
" Kenna’s lifeless form " is a bit clinical!. Maybe " Kenna’s lifeless body"
"Old Annie’s hand shot forward toward her!." It doesn't say it actually hit Adelia!. Maybe "Old Annie’s hand shot forward and struck Adelia square in the nose giving a sickening breaking sound!. "
“Old woman, what on earth is—“ Hard to believe she could have said anything if the blow was a Death Blow
"She never finished her sentence!. Adelia crumpled to the floor, a look of surprise and fear on her face!." could be rewritten as
"Adelia crumpled to the floor, blood pouring from where her nose bone had been forced up into her brain!. Poor Adelia didn't even know what hadhit her!. Her face transfixed in a look of quick surpise!."!.
If you like my edits then you can send me the manuscript but i might have to charge you a fee and some credit on the published book!.
Overall, I liked it!. It was compelling, held my interest and I look forward to coming chapters!.
The title is a bit of a mouthful maybe "The Dooby Cycle"!?
*Yawn* I didnt read all of it, it really got boring!.
Edit- Okay, I'm back to tell you that I am sorry about calling it boring!. I just am young so I probably wont understand it and thats why!. I bet older people would understand it better than I!.
My opinion!.!.just an opinion!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
First one is right!.Www@QuestionHome@Com