Position:Home>Books & Authors> Improve this small section?
Improve this small section!?
Blindfolded, shoved out of the room and followed by the patchy footsteps of the clogged voice man, Serra was led to a cubical!.
“Don… Don puke in… in the sink!. There’s a um bin in–”
–Serra kicked the young man right where it hurts and he howled in pain!.
He aimed his gun and fired!.
It was a terrible aim!.
Serra dodged his skinny arms, darted away from the corridor and flung herself into a furious dash down the metallic stairs!.
“Hey!” A new gangster’s voice pounced from downstairs!.
She raced upstairs, but by now several gangsters was shooting after her!. She was a fast runner!. With roaring lungs, Serra beat her way up the stairs!. Exhausted, she lunged herself onto roof of the skyscraper and abruptly stopped!.
She started walking backwards to the cutting edge of the scraper…
Humbug, this is possibly the worst part of writing that I've done in years! It's part of the middle of a story, if it was the start I would have trashed it and run it over with a steamroller ages ago :p
Can somebody rewrite it, or fix sections of it, or give tips or something to improve it!?!?!?
Thanks ; )Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Alright, since no one is really helping with what you want, I'll do the rewrite and you take it for what it's worth!. I'll assume an accent with some of the dialogue and try and imitate it for you!. Call this one a freebie for you!.!.!.
"Blindfolded and shoved out of the darkened room, Serra could smell the cigarette from her captor's hot breath on her neck!. Sightless, she could have been led in a maze of right and left turns or in a circle for all she knew!.
'Don puke in!.!.!. Don puke in da sink!.!.!." the raspy voice commanded as he yanked the blindfold off!. "There's a bin--"
Serra instantly responded to her new surroundings!. She stomped down hard on the foot behind hers and spun to face him just as he doubled over!. Her instincts brought her knee up to meet his face just as he reached down!.
Run! She bowled him over with her body, her hands still bound with plastic hog-tie, and ran for the open door behind them!. She didn't look back, but heard the hammer snap on his gun; the aim wasn't true!. A metal thwing rang in her ears as the bullet bounced off the door jamb next to her just as she rushed through to the staircase beyond!. Run!
Another gravelly 'Hey' behind her alerted to more pursuers and Serra swore as she took the upward stairs two by two!. More bullet pops in the cinder block corridor and ricocheted shrapnel bounced around her face as their aim was getting as close as they were!.
Run! Serra zigzagged away from the chips of cement that cut her face as she ran!. The plastic ties cut into her wrists behind her, and the burning in her lungs was exacerbated by what smelled to her like gasoline in the air as she ran!.
A razor ray of light up above caught her attention as she sprinted to the end of a dim corridor and she thrust forward through the rooftop door and nearly fell over!. The cold air stung the beads of sweat on her face and scraped bare shoulders!.
Hurry! Serra knew the doorway's light would draw the mens' attention so this was no escape yet!. She ran past several of the high-rise's industrial cooling fan vents and in a deft tuck-and-roll managed to bring her bound hands under her feet to get them in front of her!. The roof gravel clung to the dried blood on her shoulders!.
Think! She surveyed the skyline around her and the steel, glass and concrete blocks surrounding offered little hope as she considered the edge of the skyscraper!. The guns were already coming out the corridor!.!.!."
Hope this helps! You decide what she does next!.
P!.S!. I wasn't sure if "Don" was supposed to be a name or if it was dialect for "Don't" which is why I used it the way I did!. Sorry if I got it wrong!. I used it as a command, "Don't puke in the sink!.!.!." Yes, 'thwing' is the sound word I used to describe the bullet hitting the door way!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
First off, how does she kick the guy in the fork of his legs if he is behind her!. also, if she is blindfolded how does she dodge his bullet and escape!. You need to say if her blindfold is taken off or if she turns to face the guy to kick him!. Your writing is decent, but its too rushed!. Yes, you need less description for action and intensity purposes, but you are cutting out too much!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
clogged voice man: Make that clog-voiced man!.
right where it hurts: right where it hurt, past tense!.
I think you're rushing through the scene!. How do I know this!? *cough* Because I do the same thing, LOL! I tend to worry that I'm stretching out/milking action scenes, so I keep them brief, and that's exactly the wrong place to do it!.
However, look at this as the skeletons of the scene; now that you have that, you can set it aside for a few days, come back to it, and flesh it out!.
You didn't tell us where this is from, so we have no idea which context it's used in!. It sounds fine to me!.
Please answer mine!.
I need some more information!. How can she do all of this while she is blindfolded!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
-Describe the cubical!.!.!.Small!? Dimly lit!? Dirty!?
-Change the "Don!.!.!.puke in!.!.!.the sink!." !.!.!.Don made it to a small industrial sink before he violently became ill in it!. He caught his breath in small, short gasps just before!.!.!.
-With a force she didn't know she was capable of, Serra kicked the young man in the groin!. He fell to the floor, whimpering and ashen!.
-Unfortunately he was still able to reach for his gun!. The blast was deafening!. Fear temporarily paralyzed Serrra until she realized he had missed!. Now she had to run for her life!. Like a gazelle she swooped past this swarmy creature and managed to get away from the corridor!. The next thing she knew she was at the bottom of the metal staircase!.
-"Hey" It was a man's voice she had never heard before!.
-Serra muttered something she never would say in polite conversation!.
-No time for thinking!. With firm resolve she ran back up the stairs, wondering what would await her at the top!. She could hear and feel the bullets as they flew by her!. She could smell the gun powder in the air!.
-With every ounce of energy she had left she, Serra managed to make it to the roof of the building!.
-She had nowhere to go now!. Nowhere to hide!. She glanced down and the sight of the busteling street below made her dizzy!. She could hear the men on their way up to the roof!. Awaiting her fate!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Blindfolded, forced out of the room and followed by the footsteps of the clogged voice man, Serra was led unwilling to a nearby cubicle!.
“Don… Don, puke in there, that’s it … in the sink!. There’s a um bin in–”
Serra tore the blindfold off and kicked the man where it hurts most!. He howled in pain but recovered quickly and took aim with his gun!. Fortunately he wasn’t a very good shot!. Serra ran unthinking towards the gunman and deftly dodged around his outstretched, skinny arms!. She ran down the dark, narrow corridor like an excited gazelle after its prey and hurtled noisily down the metallic stairs situated beyond a door at the end of the corridor!.
“Hey!” Another man’s voice reverberated from below!. Serra swore!. She wheeled around and raced back up the stairs but now she realised several men were chasing her!. Fortunately she was in good physical shape!. With lungs bursting she leaped, two rungs at a time, up the almost vertical staircase!. Exhausted, she saw an open door and stepped out onto the roof of the towering skyscraper!. She heard a cacophony of yelling, swearing; the pursuers were getting ever closer!. She hesitated briefly, looked around the empty roof and started walking to the cutting edge of the scraper…Www@QuestionHome@Com
It is difficult because I don't know either the story or how the gangsters talk or act or even how many of them there are, but how about the following;
"Blindfolded with her hands tied behind her back Serra was pushed out of the room!. She heard the shuffling footsteps of the deep voiced man behind her!. When he removed the blindfold she was outside a cubicle!.
"I can't do anything with my hands tied," she said trying to move her arms!. He paused for a moment then untied her!.
"Don't try anything," he warned but Serra was not to be told and she aimed a kick between the man's legs!. Her foot found its mark and he doubled up in pain and screamed with agony but he still managed to lift the gun and fire!. The bullet missed and ricocheted off the wall as she ran towards the flight of metal stairs!. She almost leapt down the narrow stairs but another voice from below made her stop;
"Hey! What was that shot!?" Serra swore loudly and turned to race back up the stairs and as she reached the top another shot echoed round the building then another!. She headed for the roof!.
Serra was a fit woman but her chest hurt as she fought for breath and it was with an effort that she pulled herself onto the roof of the skyscraper!. She looked around in despair but there was nowhere else to go!. She gazed at the door she had just come through and began walking backwards to the edge of the tall building!."
Whatever you do good luck with it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com