Position:Home>Books & Authors> I need some people to read my story and tell me what you think. Its a short stor
I need some people to read my story and tell me what you think!. Its a short story for my class so yeah!.!.!.!?
This is only the beginning of it!.!.
if you have a problem with somethin constructive criticism is welcomed!.!.no bashing it please!.!.!.!.!.thanxxxxx :)
So here it is (ill be adding somemore of it a little later so check tht out too! )
The dark abyss of the sea some fifty feet below her made her stomach lurch!. Always the meticulous one Sarah once again contemplated her options, trying to find another way to deal with this demon that was eating away at her soul!. She drew a blank!. Once more she came to that same depressing conclusion- there were no options!. This would be it, the end of the road at least for her!. As lightning flashed over head and thunder cracked like the report of a !.45 caliber shotgun, she reflected over her life!.
In each explosion of light she saw another piece of her life appear and than shatter!. Shattered, that’s what her life was!. How did it come down to this!? Sarah had always been so stubborn and tenacious when life knocked her down, determined not to yield to its constant attempts at bringing her down!. Her way was to just glue back the pieces as best she could and keep moving!. There had to be something better ahead, she just couldn’t see it yet!.
Now she saw through life’s fa?ade and saw it for what it was!. A lie!. A false pretense!. Definitely not worth living!. I mean, what was the point!? Where was the light at the end of the tunnel that she’d been promised!? It wasn’t there!. So now she had to find her own way out of this mess, her own escape from the demon that was eating away at what was left of her soul!. She’d found her solution she just needed the courage to go through with it!.
At least that’s how things used to be, she thought!.
Another flash and for that split second she was back to when it all started to fall apart…
“Sarah, did you hear me!? Get out here and get me another beer before I bring out the switch! ” My mother hollered from her permanent place on the couch
I reluctantly picked up the line in the kitchen “Dad!? Hey hows it going over there!? Do you know when you'll be on leave yet!?
"How is your mother doing!? Hows everything a school!?" he replied
"Mom is!.!.!.!.fine, yeah she's fine!.!.!.schools okay!.!.!.!.but you never answered my question!.!.!.when are you coming home!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
You have enough tension early to make me want to read on, so that's good!. You need to be careful about "overwriting!." Consider cutting a few words here and there!. For example, I think the first sentence would even stronger as: "The dark sea fifty feet below made her stomach lurch!." Look at the rest of your piece and see where you can do similar things to sharpen the language!. I don't think two references to the "demon" that was eating her soul works!. Once is ok!. The dialog is good but I think you might stick in a reason for her to "pick up the line!.!.!." You can't tell if he was already on the phone or she called him or what!. Did she get her mother the beer first!? If she's hoping her Dad is going to come and make things better, why was she "reluctant" to pick up the phone!? These aren't big things in themselves but ways to improve your storytelling and its impact!. One big thing is a fact check problem!. There is no such thing as a !.45 caliber shotgun!. You have to make it a !.45 caliber pistol or a 12 gauge shotgun(could be some other numbers but that's the most common large shotgun gauge)
Keep up writing and good luck!. Remember, critique is opinion, this is mine!. You may use it, lose it, or give it to Goodwill!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
The first paragraph is a little long and various elements repeat!. Change the first sentence because you have two instances of 'her' nearly side by side before you introduce who 'her' IS!.
Remove either 'contemplating her options' OR 'she found that there were no options' because they cancel each other out!. If Sarah doesn't have any options in her 'decision' just tell the reader that, don't dance around the idea with cliched catch phrases!.
In the sentence, "In each explosion of light!.!.!." the word "THAN" should be spelled "THEN"!.
I would seriously consider removing everything from "Her way was to!.!.!." all the way to "It wasn't there!." All of these phrases are useless in moving the story along and you cannot (or should not) add "I mean!.!."; it is the way you talk, but NOT the way you should write because then you have added "I" without identifying who "I" is!.!.!.
Again, remove the second instance of "demon that was eating away!.!.!." it's repetitive!. The first sentence of the second paragraph can also be removed!.
You also need to work on your punctuation; commas, semicolons, periods, etc!.
If you like, you can e-mail me your completed work and I can do a better critique of the structure and mechanics of the story!.
It's up to you!. Good luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Very good!. I would like to read more of it!. Some of the grammar and punctuation is off a bit!. But I'm horrible with both, so I'm no help there!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
What a brilliant beginning, carry on writing and finish it, read it at school, you will have their attention!. I know it!.
You have talent, use it, become another world writer of novels, because there is a novel here, and it could go anywhere!.
Trust me, and good luckWww@QuestionHome@Com
Credit where credit is due, that's my philosophy in life!.Www@QuestionHome@Com