Question Home

Position:Home>Books & Authors> Opinions on the first chapter of my story?


Question: Opinions on the first chapter of my story!?
I'm a 13 year old, and I like to write!. I've had this going for a while, tell me what you think of it!
---
"No!. No!. No! I can't just!.!.!.What are you saying!?!" My sudden emotion made me unable to speak!. Rage at myself, mostly!. But I was also hurt!. Stupid, unreliable, impossible! My thoughts were confused, and I couldn't think straight!. Deep breaths, I told myself!. Calm down!.
After a few minutes, my breathing slowed!. My hurt and unreasonable anger faded - mostly - as I saw the logic!. The reasoning behind my mother's demand!. Going to live with Tyler, my brother, for a while might be a good idea - an escape from the depressing mood that hung around the house these days!. My mother wanted to spare me that!.
"Mum!.!.!." I was at a loss for words!. I wasn't great at the emotional things - I'd been known to overreact a lot!. My parents had just split - that was pretty emotional for all of us!. My Mum wanted me to get away from it all!. Going to live with Tyler, in a city in Queensland!. I wasn't used to the city!. Most of my life had been spent here in Glen Innis, a small town in New South Wales!. The city was so big!.!.!.so crowded!. Then again, it would probably be the best thing to do!. Mum could take care of herself easily!. She was used to it, having done so most of her life!.
"Tori, you need this!. My pain shoudn't be your burden to carry!. Besides, maybe you'll find something in the city that we don't have here!." She winked, and I sighed!.
"Mum, boys are the last thing on my mind right now!." I made a face!. She was always insisting that I go out - hoping i'd meet someone i'd like!. Like she expected me to just run into him one day!. I'd never really bothered with guys!. I'll leave that side of my life until I finished school, or at the very least became a senior!.
"Well, spend a few weeks there at the very least!. It will do you good!. And you can keep Tyler company!."
Ugh!. I did not want to have this conversation!. But!.!.!.
"Okay, okay!. Fine, Mum!. I'll go!." I groaned overdramatically!.
My mother chuckled halfheartedly, then wound me into a tight hug!. "I'll miss you, Tori!."
"Yeah!. You too, Mum!. A lot!." A lump rose in my throat!.

Now, two days later, I was on the plane, which was flying steadily towards the Gold Coast - where I was headed!. I'd had to take the car up to what was probably one of the smallest airports in Australia, and then I was off!. As I stared down at the mountains, I thought about what it would be like living on the Gold Coast!. It was a pretty big city!. Lots of sun, and a lot of beach!. Much hotter summers than Glen Innis, and they never even got snow! It would be especially hard starting at a new school!. I had always been enrolled at the one school!. Leaving my friends had been hard, but we'd keep in touch with email!. I remembered calling one of my best friends, Andrea, to say goodbye!. She'd been so suprised and upset!. "Aw, Tori, do you really have to go!?" she'd pleaded!. We'd both been in tears, me especially - I was not crying just for a lost friend, but a lost lifestyle!. I'd brushed the tears away angrily, cursing my overreactions!. "Andrea, it's probably only for a month or two!. Just until the divorce is sorted, you know!." After a tearful goodbye, I'd hung up, telling myself I'd email her - and my other friends who I still had to call!. It would be just like normal, minus seeing each other at school!.
When I had called Tyler, on the other hand, he had been thrilled!. He hadn't seen me in a long time!. Tyler was twenty-three, and had a secure job as a chef at a popular restaurant!. I did know a few people there, I reasoned, but no-one my age!. Just my responsible, twenty-nine year old cousin and her annoying seven year old son, Timothy!. Timothy was, well - a brat!. He's the type of kid who'd break something and blame it on whoever else he could!. Luckily, his parents knew better than to believe him, but he never seemed to learn his lesson!. As for Tyler himself, he was an easygoing kind of guy!. That's one thing I like about him!. He's easy to be around!.
The crew announced that the plane was preparing for landing!. I looked out the window again, and the weather was what was to be expected of Queensland in summertime - bright, sunny and annoyingly humid!. I sighed!. It would be a while before I adjusted to that!. The plane turned into a steep descent, and a minute later we were down on the runway, everyone scrabmling for their bags and stretching their limbs after the long flight!. I grabbed my things and hurried off the plane!. It was the middle of the day, but I was eager to get to my new home and take a nice, cold shower!. I saw Tyler standing with the crowd, waved, and hurried towards him!.Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
My opinion:

The cons:
As far as the plot goes, it is unoriginal!.
There is really nothing exciting happening in this story!.
It needs to be broken up into more readable paragraphs!. Dialogue also needs its own paragraph!. One speaker, one paragraph!.

The pros:
Even though nothing compelling is happening, it is fairly well written!.
I saw no glaringly obvious spelling or grammar errors!.
I could read through it without having to force my attention!.

My advice:
Keep writing, keep practicing!.
Make something exciting/ominous/compelling happen early on so that you hook the reader in!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I wouldn't read it!. I see the basic premise is some pulpy chick novella!. also, you call that a chapter!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

This was actually very good! Your way of describing things helped me picture everything you were saying! However, I think it would be good to write her memories from the divorce in the first chapter!. It would help develop characters and give us a better idea of whats going on!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

are you not worried about people copying your work!?

Do know how many people will read this post and could copy your idea!!!!!!

Then you will have no claim to this idea and the other person could make a fortune from your work!Www@QuestionHome@Com

i really like it
it grabbed me from the moment it started
i also like your style of writing
very descriptive

i would definitely buy it if it ever gets publishedWww@QuestionHome@Com