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Question: Is this a good beginning for the story!?
Would you want to read this!. It's going to be a love novel I wrote soon and I'll save it on my computer!. It's about a boy and a girl(supposely I'm the girl who fall in love)!. It's on the 2nd day of the story in school!.

I grabbed my Hannah Montana book pack after opening my locker and walked away as Abbie got in front of our locker!. I got my papers out of my box and my MOOSE binder!. I got all my stuff ready and got Breaking Dawn in my book pack!. I got in line waiting for the bell to ring!. As it rang I rushed out and Malcolm looked at me gasping!. “Why’d Malcolm gasp when he saw me leave!?” I thought to myself walking forward!. As I walked into the secured box I felt somebody tap my shoulder!. I looked back and saw Garrett!. “Wow, this is awesome!. My crush tapped on my back so we’re probably going to talk!” I said in my head as I smiled at him!. “Hi, Garrett, what’s up!?” I asked him looking him in the eyes!. “Oh, umm…, I decided I need to tell you something!.” Garrett said being a little shy!. “What!?” I asked confused!. “MacKensie, I really like you!.” Garrett said looking at me!. I ran through my mind of the possibilities of him saying that and that being true!.
“Huh!?” I said to him confused!. Was this a dream!? This wasn’t true, there have been rumors that he has liked Cassidy and he acts like he likes Brooklynn and some other girls!.
“My friends had helped me get the confidence…to tell you!.” Garrett said to me smiling!.
“I thought you liked Jasmine or Josi or Cassidy!” I said to him madly confused not buying any of what he was saying!. I was now mad at him for worrying him for making me kind of depressed each day of school when Jasmine and him would hang out or I’d hear that he liked another girl!. “No, I don’t like those girls!. Couldn’t you tell these last nine months that I liked you!? I liked you a lot!” Garrett said starting to be outgoing again!. “You’ve gotten me mad, Garrett!. You made me 1% depressed these last two hundred eight days because of me thinking you liking other girls!. I may have not shown it but deep inside sadness lurked!. Of course I thought you liked me, though; you always talked to me and smiled at me and we always talk!. Of course I suspected something but do you really like me!? I mean I don’t get lucky getting a crush who likes me back!.” I said to Garrett smiling!. “So do you believe the fact that I’ve always liked you and not anyone else!?” Garrett said to me!. I gasped starting to smile!. “Yeah, I buy the fact, now!. So you’re just telling me that!?” I said to him as kindergarteners started passing up!. Why would he just want to tell me he likes me!? “Well…I wanted to know if you were available tonight!. My friends thought that it would be cool if we hung out!.” Garrett said to me trying not to act shy!. “Oh, sure, I’d love that!” I said wanting to scream and squeak!. I kept it cool as I looked at him happily!. I had a date with my crush finally!. Adrenaline was rushing through my veins and blood, like I ever in my whole life thought of this moment coming!. Garrett just coming up to me and asking me out; it’d actually be that simple-I didn’t even have to find out he liked me by asking or ask him out!. Just had to be myself and act like I just thought of him as a friend!. He was my first actual crush and I felt happier than a caterpillar!. “Well tonight…at your house…we can hang out!?” Garrett asked me smiling!. “Umm…I’m having my first concert tonight at 7:00 p!.m!. so I’ll be at my friend Katelyn’s house!. I’ll give you instructions to her house…wait!. She picks me up every day after school and that is exactly why I don’t ride the bus every day!. So you can walk home with us and call your mother!.” I say to Garrett starting to actually feel like who I really was in the school!. I was known as the most popular and cutest girl in the whole 4th grade!. All boys wanted me; some even wanted to get me pregnant! “I don’t have a cell phone with me!.” Garrett said to me worried!. “I do…let’s get to Katelyn first and ask her if you can come with us!. I’m sure she’ll say yes!.” I say to Garrett reassuringly and happily!.Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
That's pretty good, at the end instead of saying I say, it should be I said!. How old are you!? You need to use more imagery, you tell us what's going on, but I can't see it!. Every time you start a new quote you need to start a new paragraph!. I hope I helped!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!.!.!.!.!. old are you!?!.!.!.please change the characters names!.!.!.!.other than that, its great literature!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Whoooaa, lots of name-dropping right off the bat!.!.!.

What if your reader doesn't happen to like Hannah Montana or Breaking Dawn!? They'd be turned off within the first three sentences!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

No, use the word I less!. Even in first person!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

The confession was too sudden u need to introduce more events and times when the narrator day dreams about Garret or when he ignores her and use the word back pack or book bag Not book pack

and NO ONE LIKES hannah montanna that reads breaking dawnWww@QuestionHome@Com

I didn't read past the third sentence!. There is no way I would read that if it was an actual book!. you use "I" way to much and you tell the reader everything, and don't show them anything!.


EDIT: I just tried to read more, but stopped after you said "I got" for like the fifth time in one a paragraph!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

um, honestly it's kind of boring ; i mean there's so much stuff out there already like this!.!.!. so, idk, try something a little differentWww@QuestionHome@Com

Well you say it's about two people falling in love!.!.!.so after reading "Hannah Montana book pack" I thought!.!.I should stop, but struggled on for the sake of critisizing the story!. Then I read "got Breaking Dawn in my book pack"

Is this a 13 year old!? 13 year old's don't fall in love!. also 13 year old's are very annoying and boring!. Just awfulWww@QuestionHome@Com

Up the ages, make them like 14 and 15!.
Take out ANYTHING that has to do with Hannah Montana!.
Stop using "I" all the time!.
Describe the characters, give more details!.
Then it might be a terrible book!.Www@QuestionHome@Com