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Question: One paragraph from my story!.!.!.!?
Okay, I've been working on this book for a couple of years now, and despite still needing some touch-ups, backstory detail, and "filler" on a couple of time-lapses, it's pretty much done!.!.!. (which basically means it's not really anywhere near done, but it's as close as I've ever been)
So, I thought I'd share a chapter for some feedback
Tally is around 6 years old when this part takes place, it's a medieval type soceity & she's just been arrested!.!.!. So yeah, here goes!.
The Commander’s whip landed with a crack across her face, giving the dry stone floor laid upon the old oak stump a fresh spray of blood!. Tally glared at the Commander and everyone else stepped back!. The Harold was scribbling on Tally’s scroll of charges and she couldn’t help a smirk, “I hope your hand doesn’t get a cramp,” she said in her sweet angelic voice!. The Commander swung his whip and Tally caught it and pulled, knocking him off his feet!. She got the handle and swung it above her head, cracking it in the air!. The Commander got to his feet and she swung it at his face!. He winced as a matching gash lit up across his cheek!. She glared with a look so determined and menacing that – coming from such a young child – made everyone in the room shudder!.
So yeah, it's a short bit, but what do you think!? !.!.!. And yes, this adorable killing machine is only about 6!.!.!. I based her (at this age) off my cousin, who is very tiny for her age & adorable!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
That is so great that you're doing this, I have been working on a book for the past year and am ready to pursue publishing!
I can see you know what you're doing because this looks really good!
But seriously don't post things like this on the internet, because people can even just take the names of your characters and this scene and use and whatever you have written will seem like copy, so seriously, don't give it to the public until it is published!Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's really good, it's really intriguing and makes me want to read more!. I am the kind of person who is really interested in reading murder type stories and murders made by a 6 year old is just, wow!. Good work, also I sent you a message :DWww@QuestionHome@Com
Maybe you could make her a bit older!.!.!.
6 year olds don't really talk like that, they don't have the sarcastic attitude she does!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Aaaaaaaww!.!.!.!.!.!. Cute!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I would have to see more to really give an honest answer!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
wow that is really good keep up the good work!Www@QuestionHome@Com
If persecution is your theme, World War II materials could guide you!. If your antagonist is exploring courage of conviction, contemporary responses to terrorists will provide you the filler!.If Tally becomes a Nun forgiveness on the bible model will provide the fillers!. There are many aspects but first ask yourself why you want to pad the book!. 30,000 plus say 35,000 is not bad if the material is gutsy!. Dilution of quality merely generates an obese body- a fat book- that will deserve liposuction in the Editor's amphitheater!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
ok i can run with that this is not a normal child, and it's pretty interesting to wonder where your going with this super kid!. only neg thing i would say is the first line could use a edit or two, maybe it would make more sense to me placed in with more of the story, but " the dry stone floor laid upon the old oak stump" to me needs some work!. but hey this sounds like a good well thought out story write it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com