Position:Home>Books & Authors> Can you please give me criticism on this small excerpt from my novel?
Question: Can you please give me criticism on this small excerpt from my novel!?
Actually, it's all I have of my novel so far!. It's the prologue (although I wil probably extend it) but I feel as thought it is crap!. Can you please help me out by telling me why it is bad!? also point out any grammatical and punctuation errors!. Please give constructive criticism, I'd prefer not to be insulted!. =)
It is my first writing!.
And yes, it's very short!.
I hadn’t always looked like this!. I used to be the fragile little girl with blue eyes and golden hair, and the always innocent smile of an unaware child!. Never had I dreamed of such an horrific condition!.
The monster that stared back at me now was revolting; its teeth dripping foreign blood, its fur matted and sticky, black nostrils flaring, eyes wild with excitement!. I could not understand why this foul creature existed – it went against the laws of nature!. The laws of physics, even!.
Its large head lifted, breaking the gaze it held on me, to focus on a small lamb in the distance!. The beast immediately broke into a sprint, galloping toward the animal, leaving its reflection behind!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
"The laws of physics" is redundant!. "Laws of nature" already covers science, since science is the attempt to explain nature!.
"I used to be A fragile little girl!.!.!." not "the", that implies there is only one blond haired blue eyed girl in the whole world!.
I like how you make her a puppet of her own body, unable to act when she wants to!. It makes more sense - transforming at full moon without wanting too, therefore under control of instincts!. (Are you making her transform at full moon!?) Giving her wolf form an ugly body is also good!. Beats perfect werewolves any day!.
You might want to imply more strongly that she is looking at a reflection of herself!. Try something like
"The monster that stared back at me from the surface of the pond!.!.!."
Great, keep it up!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
"The beast immediately broke into a sprint, galloping toward the animal, leaving its reflection behind!."
sprint and gallop together sounds funny to me;; im not so sure about the leaving his relfection behind part either!. is it supposed to be you looking in a mirror!?!? like a proverbial mondter!? or is it a real monster!? lol but i like it so far :]] it realy draws you in!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
The beginning doesn't quite fit the rest of it!.!.!. I would suggest!.!.!.
My appearance was never quite like this!. I wondered where have the little girl with blue eyes and golden hair, and innocent smile have gone!. Never have I thought of myself in this predicament!.
The monster stared, it is revolting; its teeth dripping foreign blood
Just a humble suggestion!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like it but I don't know what the beast is!.
If its meant to be really basic, then its good!.
If not maybe you should describe the beast more!. Like its appearance!.
Otherwise, brilliant!Www@QuestionHome@Com
it's seems very twilight-esque!. good imagery though!.Www@QuestionHome@Com